The New England Classic
Spooky! I Don’t Remember What I Said In My Last Snap
For more spooky, bone-chilling satire, look out for our print issue. Coming to a library near you, December 2019! Read more
Spooky! The CAB Hypnotist Converted This Junior To Judaism
O’CONNELL HOUSE — A Campus Activities Board event gained a little more chutzpah Tuesday when hypnotist Chris Jones converted a student to Judaism. Halfway through the show, Jones called Matthew Doyle (CSOM ‘21, BC High ‘17) up to the stage to be hypnotized. According to eyewitness reports, Jones pulled... Read more
Spooky! My Girlfriend Must Be A Vampire Because She Keeps Leaving Bite Marks On My Roommate’s Neck
Halloween has always been a time of year filled with spooks, scares and surprises, but none have ever been quite as startling as this: my girlfriend of two years is a vampire.  I know it sounds strange, but there’s no other explanation. My suspicions started about a month ago... Read more
Spooky! OSI Approves Another A Capella Group
CARNEY HALL — In a controversial decision, the Office of Student Involvement (OSI) approved the formation of another a capella group on campus last Friday. The newly formed group, The Pottertones, will be Boston College’s first Harry Potter-themed singing group. “I was shocked when I realized there wasn’t a... Read more
Spooky! 23 People Murdered At CAB’s Haunted Lawn Event
STOKES LAWN — Nearly two dozen Boston College students appeared to get more than they bargained for last week at the Campus Activities Board (CAB) “Haunted Lawn” event when 23 people were unable to make it out of the lawn alive. Students who survived the experience reportedly found it... Read more
Spooky! These Guys Dressed As Ghosts Keep Saying Some Really Racist Shit
PULASKI, TN — Mac Xavier (MCAS ‘19) ventured to Southern Tennessee over the Halloween weekend to visit his longtime friend from high school, Dave Dukington. Many were reportedly dressed for the occasion, and some of the people who were dressed up as sheet ghosts kept saying “some really racist... Read more
Trick Or Retreat! Kairos Group Goes To Salem To Burn Witches
SALEM, Mass. — The popular Kairos retreat wrapped up another successful spiritual expedition in Salem this past weekend. In addition to the standard prayer and reflection sessions, the participants of Kairos 179 reportedly furthered their understanding of God’s role in their lives by setting fire to at least seven,... Read more
Changing Leaves, Brighton Robberies Mark Beginning Of Fall
BRIGHTON, MA — According to a recent BCPD report, the seasonal influx of robberies in the off-campus community is once again in full swing. Along with the crisp air, colorful foliage, and blue skies that mark the fall season in Boston, the familiar ring of police sirens and broken... Read more
Article Broken: A Work Order Has Been Requested
Oh no! You broke this article, you big dumb idiot! We’ll fix this problem up in 3-5 business days. For now, head on over to dazquest.com and play your pretty little heart out, you destructive monster. Read more
Spooky! Notoriously Absent University President Actually Missing
CHESTNUT HILL — In the aftermath of an outcry surrounding the inaction and absence of Boston College’s fearless leader, Father William P. Leahy S.J., a university investigation has concluded that Father Leahy is officially missing. Students have long been lamenting the absence of the renowned Jesuit from frolics on... Read more