FUCK! Marriage Pact Has The Apostrophe After His Class Year In Bio

Instagram DMs — The birds are singing and the bees are buzzing–It is the season of love! With Marriage Pact’s release at Monday evening’s Bean Pot, everyone’s hoping for their chance at love. One student, though, can’t seem to attract the right men.

Hope Lizrowmentic (MCAS ‘27) was excited last week when she found that her Marriage Pact initials were “CT.” All of her celebrity crushes had those initials: Clarence Thomas, Channing Tatum, Chrissy Teigan, the list goes on. When she received the email with her match’s full name, she rushed to Instagram to find out more.

Her Marriage Pact’s bio read:

Conrad Tractions

BC 27’

“ITS’ NOT ABOUT WHOSE REAL TO YOUR FACE, ITS’ ABOUT WHO STAYS REAL

BEHIND YOUR BACK”

Lizrowmentic was taken aback. “Honestly it wasn’t the quote or the 272:3,400 followers to following ratio, it was the fact that he put the apostrophe in the wrong place of his class year,” she said.

After accepting his follow request and returning the follow, Lizrowmentic soon saw that Tractions had two posts: a blurry picture of him and seven friends at the beach in 2021, and a picture of his dead dog with the caption, “RIP Chewy” from 2020. His only tagged photos were from bots that want to help you write your essays.

Lizrowmentic promptly received a DM from tractions:

“Hey, Hope! Im’ Conrad, your’e Marriage Pact! My roommate Kevin knows youre’ friend Riley, wer’e wondering if ya’ll wanted to go on a double date with us at Lower Live?”

“I think she’s setting her expectations too high,” said Lizrowmentic’s friend Riley. “Sure, this was a repeated lesson in elementary school language arts class, and, yeah, maybe it is a super intuitive grammar rule, but not all of us can know that the apostrophe goes where the letters are omitted.”

“I’m just so confused by people who do that,” said Lizrowmentic. “Are you putting the apostrophe there because you see other people do it and want to feel included? Do you know that it actually carries meaning?”

At press time, Tractions was seen asking his friends about the difference between “affect” and “effect” while scrolling through motivational gym reels.

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