UGBC President Signs 17 Executive Orders On First Day of Administration

OVAL OFFICE (JUST CARNEY) — In the wake of the highly contested and controversial UGBC election race, the incoming administration signed a flurry of executive orders, each one more devious than the last. In line with global political trends, the administration plans to implement projects that, in the words of one genius commentator, “make shit fucking suck even more than it already does”. The Classic got a first-hand look at all seventeen (17) (XVII) (the whole number between 16 and 18) (IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII) executive orders:

1. Taking inspiration from another campaign ticket’s policy idea to create a Marriage Pact-like system that pairs people with friends, the incoming administration plans to implement BC-Opps, a formula that takes survey data to match students with their own curated arch nemesis
2. Mandated viewings of homophobic ‘90s movies for people who do not conform to heteronormative relationship standards
3. Institute capital punishment for those who speak opinions incompatible with university priorities
4. An additional fee included in the cost of tuition to fund UGBC’s trip to Monte Carlo, Monaco
5. Conglomeration of culture clubs into one entity the administration calls “the minority bucket”
6. Creating a list of banned words such as “they/them,” “dissent,” and “fun”
7. Mason Ramsey made permanent and only-permitted performer at MarMon
8. Pick time preference for UGBC members and their friends
9. Forced conversion to Catholicism
10. Establish a new secret security force dedicated to finding, documenting, and “discarding” political opponents
11. Book burnings on Stokes Lawn (books by BU graduates, women, etc.)
12. Fr. William P. Leahy S.J. granted 10 male “adult performers” as personal assistants
13. Allow students to smoke on campus, especially around children
14. Mandate a portrait of the President-Elect in every classroom, dormitory, bathroom stall, and laptop background
15. No more pooping. Hold it.
16. A strict curfew: No student allowed outside of their residence outside the hours of 9AM to 5PM
17. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

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