Guy Spent 5 Hours On Bracket But 20 Minutes on Group Project

SCREEN OF EVERY GUY IN FRONT OF YOU IN CLASS —With students choosing to mentally block out hockey since the Northeastern game, the BC populace has chosen March Madness as the ideal new recipient for their redirected repressed sexual energy.

One student, Basque Etbaul (CSOM ‘28) has taken March Madness more seriously than anyone else, as he has been desperate for a new way to have a personality since Barbenheimer jokes became unfunny. 

“Yeah I highkey know everything about b-ball, that’s what us in the basketball community call it for you unaffiliated,” said Etbaul. “Only true fans would know, but Robert Morris is the name of a team, not a guy. I’ve got the Liberty team winning the tournament because I heard there’s a big statue of them in New Hampshire or something, so they’ve got to be good.”

“He got us a D on our bio group project worth 50% of our grade,” said classmate Anne Oyed (MCAS ‘28). “The project was on adolescent development. His slides consisted of him ranking freshmen in Gonzaga and Xavier by height because he thought they were playing in the tournament.”

March Madness, while popular, has garnered criticism on campus. The psychology department has been petitioning to rename it to the politically correct “March Mental Illness”. 

When interviewed about the increased interest in statistics on campus, Sports Analytics student Numm Bercruncher (MCAS ‘25) said “Yeah this guy was flirting with me all night and we hooked up, but when I woke up in the morning he had left with my homework on player statistics. I’d prefer being used for my body!” 

At press time, Etbaul was seen pronouncing ‘Duke’ as ‘Dookie’ and googling which team Lebron was on.

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