Squash Team Eagerly Awaits Selection At Fall Harvest
PLEX — The Ancient Mesopotamians said that the fall season produced their most thought-provoking questions. Where is the sunlight going? How are the Halloweentown budgets this high? And wait, Boston College has a squash team?
Yes, dear reader, Boston College does have a squash team. In fact, it has both men’s and women’s teams for squashes, the former being the topic of this account. Squashes at BC have beaten out their pumpkin, corn, and kale vegetable contemporaries for the right to wear the coveted club sport jersey. The newest batch of squash recruits will be selected during this season’s harvest.
Squash captain Rich Dooshbag (CSOM ’23) explained what he looks for during tryouts. “I want my squash plucked fresh from the hedge. We all know hedge fund babies make the best country club athletes.”
For the past ten years, BC squashes have consistently been rated #1 in plumpness, #3 in unwarranted big ego, and #867 in general wanker-ness by the New England Parental Organization of Talented International Squash Mothers (N.E.P.O.T.I.S.M.). Based on patterns from past years, squashes are selected at the harvest based on plumpness, tax bracket, and thoughts on subprime mortgage bond ratings.
“I hear that there are few more open spots this year!” said Rah Kett (MCAS ’26), a red kuri squash and club team hopeful from Windsor, U.K. “Some of the honeynut squashes were included in last year’s dinner banquet, so the team’s down a few numbers. It was just a bloody rubbish situation all around.”
Other squashes expressed excitement for the 10th annual Granny Apple Picking Social with the folks at the Senior Center. The matchmaking event between squashes and elderly apples has been dubbed the “Marriage Pact of New England harvest vegetables.”
At press time, the team was looking to gain varsity status but was turned down for refusing to comply with Title IX requirements for equal numbers of honeynut and butternut squashes.