BC Athletics Downgrades ‘SuperFans’ to ‘OkayFans’
Consistent mediocrity appears to be SuperFan’s kryptonite.
Speaking in front of a room of coaches and administrators, Boston College athletic director Brad Bates announced that “SuperFans” will be downgraded to “OkayFans” from the class of 2020 forward. Bates explained that, while he did not reach this decision with ease, this change is a necessary step forward for the legitimacy and trustworthiness of Boston College athletics.
“‘SuperFans’?” questioned Bates, valiantly holding back tears. “I don’t think so. I’m sick and tired of lying to our 2,300 incoming freshmen every year by telling them that they’re going to join a community of extraordinary fans. Boston College students are fair weather fans at best. Football games are only as good as the tailgate, our hockey teams are among the strongest in the nation but we still lack the passion displayed by other powerhouses like North Carolina basketball or Ohio State football, and our basketball program is single-handedly gnawing at my emotional wellness.”
When pressed for comment, the vast majority of Boston College students expressed apathy towards Bates’ decision.
“Yeah, that’s about right. We’re not very good at sports. I’m not a very good sports fan. There’s nothing especially ‘super’ going on here. Actually, come to think of it, paying $200 for the Gold Pass is a super bad deal. There. There’s something super,” said Mike Nuller (CSOM ‘17).
“When did that Doug Flutie pass happen, like 1984? And we’re still celebrating that? We’re good at hockey, sure, but success on ice sadly just doesn’t lead to the same national reputation that football and basketball can lead to. We beat USC! That game and the Beanpot my freshmen year were probably my only two instances of being a ‘SuperFan.’ Now the Beanpot is just a pain in the ass to get to,” said Anna Lee (MCAS ‘16).
Bates is hoping that this move will usher in a new era for Boston College athletics, where both players and fans know exactly what they’re getting into. “The concept of the ‘OkayFan’ warns student-athletes not to expect much love or support from their peers and prepares students to set low expectations for experiencing athletic excellence more than once or twice per year,” explains Bates. “We don’t expect you to be super anymore, Eagles. We know things are bleak and you’re jealous, for the first time in your life, of your friend who didn’t get into BC and went to Villanova. All we’re asking for is for you to be okay.”
At press time, head football coach Steve Addazio is still the NCAA coach that looks most like everyone’s ideal dad.