Awkward! Pre-Law Student’s Only Job Experience Is Representing Himself In Court

CAREER CENTER — As internship applications loom, students have taken the opportunity to craft “creative” resumes. In these efforts, cashiers become “Executive Good Distributors,” holding the hair of your puking drunk friend becomes “Medical Crisis First Responders”, and satire news writers become “Technically Employable.” One student, Har V. Spictor (MCAS ‘26) has taken this to the extreme.

“It’s not lying, I was a Freely Acting Representative in Trial (FART),” said Spictor. “I was defending the fine and upstanding citizens of Boston College campus; just because I was the one falsely accused of public indecency, public urination, drunk driving, transporting an endangered species across state lines without a permit, and criminal negligence doesn’t change anything. And when did having fun become a crime?”

Spictor had gained a reputation on campus for his argumentative prowess and for wearing a tie that was tied like shoelaces. He’s played the devil’s advocate in nearly every class discussion he’s been in. He argued that polar bears cannot feel pain, that the government should subsidize the cigarette industry, and once assertively stated that the snake tempting Eve was in the right.

“I would rather proceed over the OJ Simpson trial than another trial with Spictor,” said Judge Ed Zawsted. “He kept one airpod in as he gave his speech, tried to crack open a beer mid-defense, and asked if a juror recess included monkey bars. I heard him mumble ‘don’t play the odds, play the man’ before asking a witness for her phone number.”

When questioned about any other relevant legal experience, Spictor stated: “I have never once backed down in an argument with a girlfriend. They call it a break-up, I call it conceding to a superior debater.”

At press time, Spictor was seen asking the judge “So we aight?” and trying to dap him up.

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