The New England Classic
The New England Classic Quarantine Guide

Start your worst year of college off on your best foot!

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Roommate Thinks She Can Just Come Into The Room Whenever She Wants

“Like, this isn’t a fuckin’ corner store,” Purcell said. “You can’t just be walking in here anytime you want, day and night. People live here. I need privacy.”

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Campus Ninth Men Unionize To Avoid Living On CoRo
STUART HALL — In a press conference Tuesday morning, “ninth men” across campus announced that they have officially formed a union. The leader of the new union, Sarah Shaughnessy (MCAS ’21), spoke to reporters at the event. “For too long, the folks in the ninth spot in a room... Read more
Future Doctor Has No Qualms About Peeing On Toilet Seat
RADNOR ROAD — Sources have confirmed that Colin Egesta (MCAS ’21), who is on the pre-med track and intends to pursue a career as a doctor, doesn’t see anything wrong with the fact that he habitually pees on the toilet seat. Egesta’s housemates told The Classic that, although he... Read more
Laundry Pile Becomes Sentient, Asks “What Are We?”
IGNACIO HALL — Senior Rachel Anthony had the shock of a lifetime on Wednesday morning when her three-week-old laundry pile questioned her about the status of their relationship. The laundry pile had been slowly growing under her bed for the last 21 days, and now was ready to define... Read more
Mod Grills Migrate South For Winter
CHESTNUT HILL, MA — In one of the region’s most celebrated natural phenomena, Boston College’s native genus of outdoor cooking apparatus took to the skies on Monday morning, beginning their annual exodus to the sun-drenched concrete of Florida State University. Having come to the end of their three-month tailgating... Read more
OPINION: If My Roommate Doesn’t Stop Coughing I’m Going To Drop Out Of School

Sneeze in my mouth. I’d love that. But I absolutely cannot stand to hear my direct roommate smother her satanic coughs into her pillow anymore. I’m afraid she’s going to hack up one of her lungs in the middle of the night. 

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Freshman Relieved To Discover Sex Is Banned In Campus Dorms
DUCHESNE EAST—After actually deciding to read the Boston College housing policy, Jack McElroy (MCAS ‘23) was elated to discover that sex is banned in campus dorms. The policy, which states that “sexual activity between or among members of the same or opposite sex is prohibited in the residence halls,”... Read more
SAP Releases Fake “Community Map,” Claims Newton Campus Is Part Of The BC Community
DEVLIN HALL — The Student Admissions Program (SAP) came under fire Tuesday afternoon after a controversial press release stating Newton Campus is actually within the bounds of Main Campus.  The release added that students on Newton could be assured that they would have an authentic experience of Chestnut Hill... Read more
Roommate’s Sex Playlist Has Too Many Disney Songs
VANDERSLICE HALL — Elizabeth Maretti (MCAS ’22) was reportedly extremely uncomfortable Saturday evening when her roommate’s boyfriend stayed the night.  “I mean first of all the common room couches do not offer much back support, and also my childhood was ruined,” Maretti said of roommate’s sex playlist consisting of... Read more