Freshmen RA’s Now Offer A Goodnight Kiss To Homesick Residents

UPPER CAMPUS— Feeling homesick? Lonely? Scared? Just call your Resident Smoocher on Duty!

With the removal of all Covid restrictions on campus, the Residence Hall Association is delighted to announce that Resident Advisors will now offer goodnight kisses to all homesick students.

Pecky Lipp (CSON ‘24) explained, “As an RA, it is my duty to make sure all my residents are comfortable. If that means a quick tuck and a smooch before bed, I’m on it.” Lipp and other RA’s on Upper campus take turns acting as Resident Smoocher on Duty, responsible for any homesick student at any hour of the day. “Some students like a morning kiss, some want it at night. Either way I’m there, lips puckered.” Lipp elaborated.

How do students feel about this homesickness cure? “It has worked for me so far,” Lowe N. Lee (MCAS ‘26) explained, “It is a little weird to have a random stranger kiss you on the lips each night, but I just pretend it’s my mom.”

Students can upgrade their homesickness cure with the purchase of the Console Pass. With this purchase, students receive warm milk, a bedtime story, and a tight little tuck along with their goodnight kiss. Possible bedtime stories include Goodnight Gasson, The Very Hungry Rathskeller, and the Wheels on the CommAve Bus.

We also talked to University Counseling Services to get their take on the homesickness remedy. “They’re doing what??” Hugh Sless (UCS Staff) exclaimed, “Who approved this? Did y’all make this shit up?” Safe to say UCS does not know if this is the proper way to deal with your emotions. However, if you are feeling homesick and in need of a reminder of home, don’t hesitate to call your Smoocher on Duty (617-KISS-NOW) or purchase your Console Pass (starting at <333 dollars).

At press time, Lipp was seen singing the Wheels on the CommAve Bus to a lonely freshman before bedtime.

More Hot Single Sandwiches NEAR YOU:

Twenty-Five Percent Of Freshman Class Comes Down With CoRo Virus Campus Ninth Men Unionize To Avoid Living On CoRo SAP Releases Fake “Community Map,” Claims Newton Campus Is Part Of The BC Community April Fools: You Were Never In The Eight-Man