Twenty-Five Percent Of Freshman Class Comes Down With CoRo Virus
After previously denying its existence, Dr. Tom Nary of University Health Services has confirmed a significant outbreak of CoRo Virus, affecting one in four rising sophomores.
CoRo Virus is a rare disease, with symptoms including loneliness, depression, and irrational anger at the luck the gods bestowed on you. How the fuck did we not get an eight-man when six of us are in Freshman League?
The illness is known to stay in the system for roughly eight months at a time, but symptoms can be alleviated on weekends if you choose to sleep on a couch on Lower Campus.
It is not believed to be genetic, though certain students in the RA circle are known to suffer chronically.
The outbreak came in waves starting Thursday morning. It was mainly concentrated around, though not limited to, groups of 8 students at a time. While doctors can’t yet confirm the true cause of such an outbreak, it is suspected that feeble beta cucks were the most high-risk, meanwhile the Brads and Chads of campus got off relatively unscathed.
Infected student Ron Calli (CSOM ‘22) could not comment, as he was too busy projectile vomiting and shitting his brains out in his new communal bathroom.
At press time, new residents of Walsh revealed that they, too, are sick (but the dope kind).