Weary Sophomores Defend Roncastle From Hordes Of Freshmen
RONCALLI HALL — The battle between Upper and CoRo is as old as time. This past weekend marked the resurgence of the age-old rivalry. The beaming top floor of Roncalli, nobly deemed Roncastle, came under siege by mere commoner groups of freshmen.
Arthur Knight (CSOM ’24) recalled the fiery battle, “We were cutting the necklines of our Superfan shirts and memorizing the lyrics of For Boston on Friday night when suddenly, a rock came hurling into the hallway of our beloved Roncastle.”
It was reported that an impressive group of freshmen had migrated from their quarters at the peak of Upper to the neighboring village of CoRo. They were clad with torches, slingshots, and some even seemed to be wielding crossbows.
“The freshmen this year are bolder than any year before. They’ve overtaken every dining hall and now they have the audacity to lay claim to the sacred land of Roncastle,” Knight continued. “Many of our troops were not brave enough to face the swarm of freshmen that neared closer and closer to our homeland.”
A righteous group of sophomores, who just months ago found themselves on the rear end of the housing process, fashioned what weaponry they could to protect their dear fortress. Once the freshmen fired their first rock, an all-night war of bloodlust broke out.
Knight relives the scene, “We thought we were goners. As the night went on, it seemed as though we would lose our Roncastle to these high-school-graduation-having Upper guerillas. We weren’t gonna hand her over that easily. With one final surge of wooden dressers and desk chairs catapulted out the window, we achieved victory.”
Alas, the Battle of Roncastle 2021 came to a close with approximately 23 casualties (9 sophomores, 14 freshmen) and thousands of dollars in property damage to Roncalli Hall.
At press time, valiant sophomores were seen checking out of the infirmary just in time for supper.