April Fools: You Were Never In The Eight-Man
UPPER CAMPUS – The nightmares of housing for rising sophomores finally came to a close this past week. Some ended up in eight mans, some in quads, and some unlucky ones even ended up in CoRo. However, for one student, the nightmare has only just begun.
Lou Zehr (Lynch ‘25) became the focus of recent Herrd posts and campus gossip after getting dumped by his entire eight man. In an interview with the NEC, Zehr spilled some of the more personal details of the unfortunate situation. “I was so pumped when my eight man got one of the super nice corner rooms in 90, I texted my entire extended family right away to let them know I would definitely be living with this awesome group of guys in 90 next year.”
Zehr says that the members of his eight-man stopped responding in the group chat after they secured the room, but he didn’t think much of it at the time. “Then April fool’s day comes around and all seven of the other guys in my eight man show up with another guy who I had never met before, and they tell me I was never in the eight man. Like at no point was I actually registered as part of the group” Zehr claimed. “They told me this new guy DJ Craig was the eighth man all along.”
“Craig is just so much cooler than Lou,” Jack Azz (CSOM ‘25) remarked. “I’ve always heard him doing sick ass DJ sets in his dorm at like 9 AM, so I knew he’d be much better than Lou.” Azz and his six other soon-to-be-neighbors seem to have an infatuation with DJ Craig and his ability to attract curious listeners. “Lou can’t even spin the table half as good as DJ Craig, like come on. The funniest part too is that he’s just completely screwed. Like he literally has no options now because he genuinely put his trust in us and let himself believe we actually liked him.”
While DJ Craig refused to comment and instead just sent us his SoundCloud link, Lou Zehr is now entirely homeless. “I literally got down on my knees and begged ResLife to just put me in the Newton Woods,” Zehr said, “but apparently that’s ‘not safe’ and ‘illegal.’” As of now, Zehr has hit the posting limit on Herrd as he continues to desperately search for “something, please just anything, I’ll sleep in your fridge if I have to.”