Bert and Ernie Down the Hall Look Suspiciously Like Puppets
KEYES SOUTH — As the end of the semester approaches, strong friendships and cliques have begun to appear within the class of 2025. Floors of freshmen have bonded through their communal bathroom usage, shared experiences at Sunset Cantina, and the commissary of being viewed across campus as worthless and annoying. According to Biggs Birde, (CSOM ’25) no two roommates are closer than Bert and Ernie. “They’re just inseparable,” he said, “they sing songs together, dress similarly, and I’ve heard they watch children’s TV shows together.”
As the freshmen of Keyes South formed tighter bonds, Bert and Ernie’s friends began to notice something was a bit off about the duo down the hall. “Whenever I dap either of them up, they can never really get the hang of it. It’s like someone else is controlling their limbs.” Commented Oscar de Grouch (MCAS ’25) “Their hands are pretty small too, I thought it was just because they’re kinda short kings, but now I think otherwise.”
According to Ellie Moe (CSON ’25) “After I hooked up with Bert I was kinda confused, his skin felt kinda like felt and I got all caught up in these strings hanging from the ceiling.” Other concerns have been raised due to Bert and Ernie’s drunken fits in which they aggressively ask people “CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET TO SESAME STREET?” as well as their frequent night terrors over the disappearance of someone named Mr. Snuffleupagus.
At press time, Bert and Ernie were seen shopping together for striped t-shirts and sweater vests.