The New England Classic
Twenty-Five Percent Of Freshman Class Comes Down With CoRo Virus
After previously denying its existence, Dr. Tom Nary of University Health Services has confirmed a significant outbreak of CoRo Virus, affecting one in four rising sophomores. CoRo Virus is a rare disease, with symptoms including loneliness, depression, and irrational anger at the luck the gods bestowed on you. How... Read more
REPORT: Thomas More Apartments Is Called That Because It Has More Thomases Than Any Other Building On Campus

“It was never our intention to invoke a sense of Catholicism in any way, shape, or form,” one administrator admitted in a later memo.

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OL Found Frozen After Six Months Without Icebreaker
CHESTNUT HILL — Boston College Police Department officers were called to Rubenstein D44 Saturday after receiving reports that resident Cliff Calley (MCAS ‘19) was found frozen solid. According to the BCPD report, Calley’s roommates were about halfway through Big Booty Mix Volume 11, when they noticed he had disappeared.... Read more
Following Lack of Applications, ResLife Initiates Mandatory RA Draft

“What better way to increase the quality and diversity of the RAs,” said ResLife President George Crosby in a statement, “then for us to forcibly choose who we want to put on our brochures for next year?”

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Desperate Sophomore Places Work Order For GPA
O’NEILL 5 — On Sunday evening, sophomore Quinn Lucas was found convulsing in the fetal position on the fourth floor of O’Neill Library. Next to him were two accounting textbooks, a stack of diagrams on the earth’s layers, and the work-order interface open on his laptop. “The maintenance crew... Read more
RA Candidate Found Stuck In Window After Fleeing Sophomore Party
90 ST. THOMAS MORE ROAD — Saturday night, 54% of Luke Oglethorpe (MCAS ‘21) was found hanging out of a window of 90 after resident assistants knocked on the door of the party he was attending. Oglethorpe recently submitted his application to be a freshman RA and did not... Read more