The New England Classic
5 Signs That Your Sorry Ass Got Dropped From The 8-Man

Sadly, much like Julius Caesar or Meghan Markle, many students are about to find themselves stabbed in the back by those they once called friends.

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Ten Dorm Decorations That Are Absolutely Red Flags
Whether you’re going over to someone’s dorm to seal the deal, work with a classmate on a group project, or you’re an RA who’s about to inform residents that they’ve been suspended by the University — nothing says more about the person living in a room than how they... Read more
Campus Ninth Men Unionize To Avoid Living On CoRo
STUART HALL — In a press conference Tuesday morning, “ninth men” across campus announced that they have officially formed a union. The leader of the new union, Sarah Shaughnessy (MCAS ’21), spoke to reporters at the event. “For too long, the folks in the ninth spot in a room... Read more
Freshman Relieved To Discover Sex Is Banned In Campus Dorms
DUCHESNE EAST—After actually deciding to read the Boston College housing policy, Jack McElroy (MCAS ‘23) was elated to discover that sex is banned in campus dorms. The policy, which states that “sexual activity between or among members of the same or opposite sex is prohibited in the residence halls,”... Read more
SAP Releases Fake “Community Map,” Claims Newton Campus Is Part Of The BC Community
DEVLIN HALL — The Student Admissions Program (SAP) came under fire Tuesday afternoon after a controversial press release stating Newton Campus is actually within the bounds of Main Campus.  The release added that students on Newton could be assured that they would have an authentic experience of Chestnut Hill... Read more
Roommate’s Sex Playlist Has Too Many Disney Songs
VANDERSLICE HALL — Elizabeth Maretti (MCAS ’22) was reportedly extremely uncomfortable Saturday evening when her roommate’s boyfriend stayed the night.  “I mean first of all the common room couches do not offer much back support, and also my childhood was ruined,” Maretti said of roommate’s sex playlist consisting of... Read more
Twenty-Five Percent Of Freshman Class Comes Down With CoRo Virus
After previously denying its existence, Dr. Tom Nary of University Health Services has confirmed a significant outbreak of CoRo Virus, affecting one in four rising sophomores. CoRo Virus is a rare disease, with symptoms including loneliness, depression, and irrational anger at the luck the gods bestowed on you. How... Read more
REPORT: Thomas More Apartments Is Called That Because It Has More Thomases Than Any Other Building On Campus

“It was never our intention to invoke a sense of Catholicism in any way, shape, or form,” one administrator admitted in a later memo.

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OL Found Frozen After Six Months Without Icebreaker
CHESTNUT HILL — Boston College Police Department officers were called to Rubenstein D44 Saturday after receiving reports that resident Cliff Calley (MCAS ‘19) was found frozen solid. According to the BCPD report, Calley’s roommates were about halfway through Big Booty Mix Volume 11, when they noticed he had disappeared.... Read more
Following Lack of Applications, ResLife Initiates Mandatory RA Draft

“What better way to increase the quality and diversity of the RAs,” said ResLife President George Crosby in a statement, “then for us to forcibly choose who we want to put on our brochures for next year?”

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