Roommate’s New Year’s Resolution Seems To Be “Fart More”
There’s nothing quite like returning to campus after a long winter break, as students were collectively bored out of their minds, getting sick of their families, and ready to start binge drinking with their college friends instead of their home friends. Campus is cold and dreary, the Canada Geese are out to play, and Juniors are arriving at Circle at 8 P.M. But, despite it all, Boston College is BACK!
Unfortunately, the joy of the return is mitigated by certain “hardos” trying to “better themselves” in the new year. Freshmen are attempting to transition towards flavorless nicotine products amidst claims that Pink Lemonade Puff Plusses are “so eighth grade.” The smoke alarms have gone off thirteen times since Monday due to the sheer amount of body odor found on the third floor of the plex. Walsh residents have set goals to increase their LED usage. Even Hillside has taken a break to work on itself.
One student, however, alleges that his buddy has made a unique vow this year. Stan Key (MCAS ’22) claims that his direct roommate has intentionally been ripping more ass than usual since they’ve returned to campus.
“I mean, I’m happy for him; gut health is totally in all 2022. But when I get home after a long day of class and I’m inhaling thick air, I’m going to have a little bit of a problem,” said Key.
Even the room next to Key has reported suffocating sulfuric steam creeping under their door. Nobody can complain about a good old butt burp, but when the next-door neighbors report a problem, something has got to change.
“I don’t love confrontation, so I started leaving Tums under his pillow when he’s gone, but he still hasn’t picked up on it,” said Key. “I have no idea what I’m going to do.”
After a conversation with his roommate, Key is no closer to understanding what motivated this increase in one-man salutes.
“I think these under-thunders are a pretty passive-aggressive way of him asking for more alone time. This man is halfway to a charcuterie plate with all the cheese he’s been cutting. It’s unbelievable.”
As Key can smell, New Year’s resolutions can be toxic. He finally decided to go to his RA, who sent in the 23-19 guys from Monsters, Inc. to try to resolve the dispute. May God help us all.