Freshmen Use Generic Names for New Friends When Memory Fails

Citing their frustration at having to learn the different names of so many people, Boston College freshmen have resolved to call every one of their new friends either Dan or Madison, depending on gender.

“It became clear to me within the first week here that learning all these names was gonna be tough,” reported freshman Dan McPherson. Since most of the members of the class of 2018 are named Dan or Madison anyway, it only seemed natural to avoid the hassle of learning names, and just stick to these two for everyone.

“I usually just tell people not to even fucking bother with introductions when we first meet, because you’re either Dan or Madison in my mind. Like the other night when I was out with Dan, Maddie, Danny, Maddy, and Madison, we ran into some of Dan’s buddies and I couldn’t for the life of me remember their names, so fuck it, you’re Dan and Madison now,” reveals Madison Herring.

Even some professors have begun taking part in this phenomenon. “I’m not going to bother learning the names of everyone in my lecture anyway, so calling everyone Dan or Madison at least makes me feel like I’m getting to know them,” reports General Chemistry professor Daniel Abbot.

But the greatest benefit of using the same names for everyone quickly became clear. “I used to have to remember the names of the people I slept with to avoid the embarrassment of yelling the wrong name while boning” explained freshman Dan Archibald, who, sources say, is probably a virgin. “But now I know the name of every bitch that takes a spin on my XL twin bed”.

At press time, the BC freshman had given up on remembering two separate names, and had decided to just call everyone Dan.

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