BC Places 1% of Freshmen on Georgia State’s Newton Campus
NEWTON CAMPUS — It’s early August, and that means that first year housing assignments are now live! For the many freshmen who have been placed on Upper campus, this is a time for celebration—a computer system has randomly decided to make you cool. No, seriously, it’s as simple as that. You’re cool now. Thanks for playing the game of college, we hope you had a good time!
However, for every Upper kid, there must be an opposite and inherently unequal Newton kid, according to Sir Isaac Newton’s (no relation) lesser-known fourth law of motion. Those incoming freshmen assigned to the destitute satellite campus spend the entirety of August sulking, crying, and clinging on to the last fleeting moments of not being a loser. This is the way it has been at Boston College for the past half century, and this is is the way it shall be for the rest of time.
If you’ve found yourself cast out onto the mean streets of Newton, MA, then things are probably looking pretty bleak right now. But fret not! Your living situation isn’t about to get any better, but a new report shows that there is now an even lower group on the social status totem pole: starting this fall, Boston College is experimenting with housing just 1% of the freshman class on Georgia State University’s Newton Campus.
Named after the exaggerated heroics of Revolutionary War soldier Sgt. John Newton, the OTHER Newton campus is located in beautiful (we assume) Covington Township, and is only 1,091.6 miles away from Chestnut Hill. In an effort to shorten what would otherwise be a 342 hour walk, the BC Office of Transportation has announced that there will be bus service to and from the new campus. One bus from the BC fleet will be assigned to cover the 16 hour-long route, and will have the same hours of operation as all other Newton busses. Just think about how much homework you can finish up on the bus ride to class!
We’ve reached out to BC ResLife for an explanation as to why they’ve decided to inflict such an unusually cruel exile upon an estimated 24 members of the class of 2020, and will update this page once they respond.