Overeager Pre-Med Student Uses Ambulance Transport as Valuable Healthcare Networking Opportunity
Pre-Med Freshman Calvin O’Malley, both working hard and partying harder, enhanced his resume this weekend with a stimulating research opportunity in the back of a Fallon Ambulance located outside the Keyes North Basement. As he was covered with the white thermal sheet, visions of the white coat which will someday be bestowed upon him as Doctor spun through his head, as did his visions of the paramedics swirling around him. O’Malley, drifting in and out of consciousness, gained valuable insights from the skilled professionals that told him to, and he quotes, “Keep his head down.”
Once inside the vehicle, O’Malley demonstrated his superior intellect by managing not to aspirate on his own vomit. Further illuminating his skill set, he repeated, “Dudes I am so fucked up right now,” to the members of the transport team. He demonstrated his bedside manner by loudly and clearly by apologizing to the owner of every arm he violently clawed in a vain attempt to elevate himself to a sitting position.
At the hospital, O’Malley was even added into the computer database in the emergency detox room; a record shared by few that will surely serve to set him apart from all the other applicants to medical graduate programs. The emergency room physicians were reportedly impressed by his dedication to raising his BAC along with his GPA.
“This young man is really making the most of his college experience,” one was overheard saying, “and I think another twelve years of being a student and avoiding the consequences of living in the real world will only develop his talents. His parents must be so proud.” The other pre med students on his floor were quoted jealously regretting the hours they had spent volunteering and interning in area hospitals: “I didn’t realize my key to Johns Hopkins was a handle of New Amsterdam.”
At press time, the freshmen nursing students were reportedly undertaking their first clinical experience in the Chevy lounge.