BC Orientation Takes New, More Realistic Approach
(HOW DO I GET TO) VANDERSLICE HALL — Orientation is widely seen as a critical period in every Eagle’s flight to success, providing incoming freshmen with their first authentic taste of the BC culture and college life in general. However, after receiving numerous complaints over the years, the Office of First Year Experience has announced that the Class of 2020’s iteration of the popular (see: mandatory) summer program has undergone some major design changes, in hopes of providing a more realistic, less Jesuit-buzzword-infused understanding of the Boston College experience.
“We’re well aware that even a great school like BC has its fair share of problems. This is doubly true for our first year students who will be arriving on campus this fall with the least amount of perks, prestige, and privileges,” explained FYE director Ori N. Tate (LSOE ‘83). “To that end, we’ve redesigned BC Orientation from the ground up to prepare our freshmen for the numerous trials, tribulations, and disappointments that they inevitably will be forced to deal with by the end of their first semester.”
Tate further explained this new approach, outlining many of the program’s specific changes. Instead of being housed in Vandy/90 (residence halls that your average sophomore would be considered “lucky” for receiving), all orientees will now reside in cramped forced triples for the duration of their three-day, two-night visit to Chestnut Hill. Additionally, about two fifths of these rooms are actually located on Newton Campus. Orientation Leaders have been trained to regularly make a point of this division, and are encouraged to play team bonding games such as “Duck, Duck, Bus,” “Bus-word,” and the ever-popular “Two Truths And A 1.6 Mile Bus Ride To Your Shitty Satellite Campus, Shitlord.”
When it comes to campus extracurriculars, Orientation Leaders are still permitted to talk at length about all of BC’s great clubs and student organizations such as Appalachia, 4Boston, and any one of the many a cappella groups (the exact number of which is still being determined by the brightest minds in the University’s math department). However, all of these conversations must now be prefaced and concluded with a disclaimer regarding the unfortunate fact that a statistical majority of freshman applicants will be rejected from these hyperselective groups.
Although he admits that this new orientation format is a bit of a downer, Director Tate believes that his new program is doing the Class of 2020 a favor, even if they don’t know it just yet. “We’re going to be honest with you–college life isn’t always fun. It can actually really suck sometimes, and everyone is going to feel like an outsider at one point or another. But it’s better that you learn and accept that now, rather than during the middle of the year right after you’ve been kicked out of your 8-man and you realize that you’re failing three classes and your high school relationships and friendships are slowly crumbling into oblivion. Things are going to be hard but if you really want something, you’ve got to keep fighting; no one is going to serve you on a silver platter. Except for during the welcome dinner on Sunday night, that chocolate cake is fucking delicious.”
At press time, Orientation Leaders were assembling backstage in the Robsham Theater to rehearse their newest OL skit, “Everyone Here Is Just As Talented As You.”