The New England Classic
Fuckboy Would Date You If It Weren’t For “Everything Going on Right Now”

“Marley later clarified that he does not believe COVID-19 will impact his ability to hook up with you, just his emotional availability. As Boston College cracked down on the number of guests allowed in each place of residence, Marley felt it was only right to enforce a strict no-sleepover policy at his place starting Saturday. “

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Welles Crowther 5K To Be Held Over Wii Fit

The run’s organizers are also taking aggressive steps to prevent runners from simply shaking the Wiimote up and down. All participants are required to install Proctorio, the test-proctoring software, onto the Wii that they will be using, which will track their movements using the Wii’s sensor bar.

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Rats in Walsh Lose Housing For Being in 8-Man Without Mask

“According to the report, all eight indicted inhabitants of the room were inside, along with ten other guests. Everybody present was described as being a ‘small-to-medium sized rodent with brown fur.’ No member of either party was a BC student, nor were they properly equipped with masks.”

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University Suspends Three Persons of God for Violating Guest Policy

“After we stuffed the Holy Spirit behind the shower curtain, I tried to explain that we’re Three Persons, One God, so we should be exempt…  they couldn’t seem to grasp the concept. BC is really going to regret doing this. Do they know who my Father is?”

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Cardboard Cutouts File Out Of Alumni At Halftime

“If I can contribute to the team by giving them the familiar sense of an empty stadium at halftime, regardless of the score, just so we can all go home and do literally nothing, well I’m happy to do it.”

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BC Defends Testing Inaccuracies: “We Were Grading On A Curve”
SAINT MARY’S HALL — In response to recent charges of negligence and misreporting, Boston College representatives have released statements defending its testing strategy. “Look, this is college, right?” reported University Spokesperson, Jack Dunn, “And what do you do in college? Anyone? Okay fine, I’ll tell you: you grade on... Read more
Joy Moore Releases New Statement Blaming You, Specifically

“There’s one person at fault here. It’s not me, it’s not the administration, it’s just one person,” she told us, referring to You.

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What The Fuck: Molly On Campus Without Mask

The Classic tried to reach Molly’s owner’s wife for comment, but we were unable to make contact.

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University Purchases “Great Big Retreat Center Upstate” For COVID Isolation
Like what you see? Feeling short of breath? Zoom around our site for more single-serve, plastic-wrapped content! Read more
The New England Classic Quarantine Guide

Start your worst year of college off on your best foot!

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