The New England Classic
Professor Asks “Just The Ugly Kids” To Mask Up In Class

Students expressed widespread indignation Monday when Prof. Patrick Lanzoni requested “just the ugly kids” in his Globalization I class wear masks. The announcement came after Lanzoni lamented seeing “atrocious acne” and “a severe lack of smokeshows” for 2 weeks.

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University Announces You Can Bring Two Hand Puppets To Graduation

Students whose parents are divorced are still encouraged to bring two puppets, on the grounds that they remain cordial and do not let their puppets engage in any hilarious family disputes, outrageous slapstick violence with oversized blunt objects, or crude puns during the ceremony. 

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University Approves Pine Manor Conjugal Visits

“We want to take this opportunity to support our married students in their quest to be fruitful and multiply, even if they might have COVID-19.”

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Dr. Douglas Comeau Can’t Get Enough Of My Sweet, Sweet Nostrils (I Got Called Twice This Week)
CONNELL RECREATION CENTER — Sunday at midnight. That glorious, soaking wet time when a large portion of Boston College students get their highly-anticipated weekly COVID test email. This week went by like any other: I logged onto Zoom for “class”, spread my usual pathogens, and spent at least an... Read more
Hahaha: Kid Puts “Sit Here” Sticker On Face

The stickers, typically used to indicate a safe place to sit to ensure social distancing, can be found in nearly every classroom on campus. But Meyer was the first person to think of sticking one on his face.

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Are We In Love Or Did You Just Hold Every Door For Me Between O’Neill 3 And The Plex?

It was just like any other Thursday morning when I saw you. Dr. Douglas Comeau had summoned the both of us down to see if we had the 2019-novel Coronavirus (2019-nCoV) in our system. But why us? Why now?

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Classmate Clearly Zooming In From Florida This Week
MIAMI — In an effort to reduce the transmission of Covid-19, Boston College limited spring break to just one day this semester. While the University had hoped that this measure would prevent students from exposing themselves to the deadly virus while traveling, it appeared that one third-year accounting student... Read more
Positive Cases Continue To— Woah, I Just Had Crazy Déjà Vu

I was going to write an article about why coronavirus cases on campus are increasing at an alarming rate, but I was hit with a crazy sense of Déjà Vu in the middle of writing the headline.

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Fr. Leahy To Offer Exorcisms To The Sick

“I didn’t end up having the virus, but just like the Four Loko, that shit cleaned me out. Lots of stuff resurfaced—turns out Jesus and I have a couple of things in common, like mad daddy issues.”

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Lochhead Flies To Canada As Positive Cases Increase
LOGAN AIRPORT — In the midst of a sharp increase in COVID cases on the Boston College campus, Executive Vice President Michael Lochhead was seen boarding a flight to Toronto late Thursday night.  Lochhead has been responsible for many of the COVID-related emails sent to students, including those which... Read more