The New England Classic
If Only There Were An Online Platform Where I Could Attend Class While Sick

“Now that you are taking this class, the professors OWNS your ass. If they tell you to be in class, you need to be present or deal with the consequences.”

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“I Have No Idea Why Everyone Is Sick” Says Classmate Who Just Spat In Your Mouth

Guy Grossie (CSOM ’23) can’t seem to wrap his head around how illness spreads, or his coloring homework. Grossie, of course, has also fallen victim to the “throat tickle.” He describes the ordeal as “not too bad,” describing it as “a sore throat for only a couple months, debilitating fatigue, and a gnarly cough.”

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Comeau Defends Decision To End Required COVID Testing: “I Was Afraid Of Missing The BTR Reunion Tour”
UNIVERSITY HEALTH SERVICES — The church bells were ringing, the choirs were singing, and the unknown 617 area code phone calls were silent as news percolated that surveillance testing for the novel SARS-CoV-2 virus was no longer a requirement. BC had one man to thank: Dr. Douglas Comeau. What... Read more
Undergraduate Llama Thrilled That He Can Spit Again Following Expiration Of Mask Mandate

Evidently, Pakka has quite the reputation for projectile launching large swaths of mucus from his mouth, which can often be disruptive during class lectures. A deep dive into the record books revealed Pakka once hit a TA with his spit from the last row of McGuinn 121, a record that still stands today.

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BC Rewards Quarantined Students With Yard Time

According to Shank, the students have naturally separated themselves into different cliques and have established dominance over different parts of the yard.

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SPOOKY! Casper Grew Up, and He’s Anti-Vaxx

Mr. Ghost began his presentation by calling the Pfizer vaccine “Commy Kool-Aid”, and global lockdowns “nothing more than an attempt to keep old guys like me off the streets.”

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“It’s Just the BC Throat Tickle” Says Senior Spewing Mucus In Devlin 008

“I am vaccinated. There’s nothing to worry about,” Tivacks said with her fingers crossed behind her back.

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Short Guy Thinks The Virtual Career Fair Went Well

For the past 18 months, though, Tim has had one less thing to worry about during the already stressful recruiting process. The widespread use of Zoom and similar teleconferencing technologies have leveled the playing field for undersized individuals, as the short appear the same as the tall through the fallible eyes of the webcam.  

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Professor Asks “Just The Ugly Kids” To Mask Up In Class

Students expressed widespread indignation Monday when Prof. Patrick Lanzoni requested “just the ugly kids” in his Globalization I class wear masks. The announcement came after Lanzoni lamented seeing “atrocious acne” and “a severe lack of smokeshows” for 2 weeks.

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University Announces You Can Bring Two Hand Puppets To Graduation

Students whose parents are divorced are still encouraged to bring two puppets, on the grounds that they remain cordial and do not let their puppets engage in any hilarious family disputes, outrageous slapstick violence with oversized blunt objects, or crude puns during the ceremony. 

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