Tough Guy Still Wearing Shorts
BostonStudent Life November 13, 2017
WALSH HALL — After a grueling process of deliberation, the coveted honor of “Toughest Guy on Campus” was unanimously awarded to local student Hunter McGlintey (CSOM ‘20), who has continued to wear shorts into the frigid 40 degree temperatures of recent weeks. In a recent interview outside of his... Read more
Sophomore Accidentally Launches Nuclear Strike On Russia With UIS
Big IssuesStudent Life November 10, 2017
NATO HQ, BRUSSELS — Innocently attempting to sign up for next semester’s classes on UIS early Friday morning, sophomore Harry Wood managed to quite literally set the world aflame when he accidentally launched 24 Trident Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles towards targets in Russia from a US Navy Ohio-class submarine stationed... Read more
“I’m Fine,” Reports Becky’s Instagram
FreshmenStudent Life November 9, 2017
LOYOLA HALL — Stating that everything seemed normal, local Boston College freshmen confirmed that Becky’s Instagram makes it seem like she’s doing okay during her first year of college. This confirmation comes after last month’s feigned concern from third-floor residents of Loyola that something might have affected Becky’s psychological... Read more
Peer Reviewer’s Essay Fucking Sucks
School November 8, 2017
STOKES NORTH — First Year Writing Seminar is a special part of every Eagle’s freshman year at BC. Around midterm season, things started to get intense for local freshman, Barry Portabella (MCAS ‘21), whose assigned peer reviewer for his rhetoric essay apparently “fucking sucks” at writing. Portabella has been... Read more
54 years ago this month, the course of world history was changed forever when President John F. Kennedy was cut down by an assassin’s bullet in Dallas, Texas. While more than half a century has passed since that tragic November morning, the memory of the charming, charismatic president lives... Read more
Tragic: Student Finished With Midterms Has Nothing Left To Rant About
SchoolStudent Life November 6, 2017
MAIN CAMPUS — After two weeks of pure exam-fueled hell, Arnold Wilson (MCAS ‘20) has declared he has nothing left to complain about. The announcement follows his completion of the Principles of Microeconomics midterm exam, the last in a string of horrific assessments. Friends of Wilson have made their... Read more
Guy Who Has Had Sex Twice In Three Years Doesn’t Want To Be Exclusive
SexStudent Life November 5, 2017
CORCORAN COMMONS — Ariana Sommariva (CSON ‘20) was spotted tearing up over a Lower Live omelette Sunday morning, likely in response to the emotional trauma caused by casual romantic partner John Gilmore (CSOM ‘19). When asked about her condition, Sommariva explained that despite their several romantic dates to El... Read more
CHESTNUT HILL — In the aftermath of an outcry surrounding the inaction and absence of Boston College’s fearless leader, Father William P. Leahy S.J., a university investigation has concluded that Father Leahy is officially missing. Students have long been lamenting the absence of the renowned Jesuit from frolics on... Read more
AGAWAM, MA — Citing scheduling conflicts, Boston College football head coach Steve Addazio announced that he will not be present at tonight’s game against Florida State University. Addazio admitted he “made a boo-boo” and forgot there was a game this weekend, but excitedly revealed that he has been hired... Read more
Personal, National Tragedies Great For Ticket Sales, Reports BC Athletics Marketing Team
Big IssuesSports October 27, 2017
YAWKEY ATHLETIC CENTER — The marketing division of Boston College Athletics released a new report Friday, outlining a recently discovered phenomenon: deeply emotional tragedies can easily be co-opted into fun gameday themes in order to drastically increase ticket sales. This strategy has been proven successful only when used on... Read more