Guy Who Has Had Sex Twice In Three Years Doesn’t Want To Be Exclusive
CORCORAN COMMONS — Ariana Sommariva (CSON ‘20) was spotted tearing up over a Lower Live omelette Sunday morning, likely in response to the emotional trauma caused by casual romantic partner John Gilmore (CSOM ‘19).
When asked about her condition, Sommariva explained that despite their several romantic dates to El Pelon and long walks around the Reservoir, Gilmore recently declared that he “really can’t date right now” due to a number of ambiguous but totally reasonable reservations.
The junior revealed that his chief concern is with how getting “cuffed” may irreparably damage his reputation and his ability to “pull some fine ass booty,” a feat which he has accomplished twice since arriving at Boston College in August 2015.
“I’m not really a long-term relationship kind of guy, you know?” said Gilmore. “College is too short of an experience for me to date every girl I happen to hook up with — If I did that, I’d be graduating from here with one or two deeply committed romantic relationships under my belt. Gross!”
Although Gilmore is convinced that “this is the big year,” it is highly likely that he will participate in one, possibly two more hookup experiences in the final year and a half of his undergraduate education.
At press time, the still-distraught Sommariva was seen giving herself a pep talk about romance on college campuses, reminding herself that she’ll find another “on-again, gone-again” partner in no time.