“Everyone’s Sick Cause Everyone’s Kissin’,” Reports University Health Services
2150 COMMONWEALTH AVENUE — Noting a drastic increase in students with cold and flu symptoms in the past week, University Health Services performed an extensive data analysis and came to the conclusion that “everyone’s sick cause everyone’s kissin’.” Laboratory tests on samples from several infected people confirmed what health officials had suspected: sickness spreads from person-to-person via kissin’, smoochin’, snoggin’, mackin’, and even canoodlin’.
Over three hundred Boston College students reported symptoms soon after exchanging kisses with their significant others, random hookups, and even friends. “That number is only growing,” said Dr. Philip Tonguely, director of The Kissing Bureau at the Boston Public Health Commission. Tonguely declared that anyone who has “exchanged spit by pressing one’s mouth against the mouth of another person” is in grave danger of contracting some form of disease.
“With so many students frenching, an epidemic of this magnitude was bound to happen at some point,” noted University Health Services employee Charlotte A. Love, who fears that this health problem is going to get exponentially worse as Valentine’s Day approaches. “This is only a first-base illness,” continued Love. “God help us if sick students keep rounding the bases and begin touchin’, fondlin’, grindin’, humpin’, or slurpin’.”