SnapMap Update Tells You If You’ve Got Time For A Yank
PALO ALTO, CA — Popular photo-sharing app Snapchat rolled out an update today allowing its “SnapMap” feature to tell you if it’s safe to jerk off before your roommate gets home.
Evan Spiegel, founder and CEO of Snapchat, says the new update “completely revolutionizes modern GPS-tracking software,” adding that it was the logical next step in “continuing the company’s commitment to enriching the sex lives of college students worldwide.”
The new interface allows users to see how far away their roommates are, what time they’ll likely be back in the room, and whether or not they’re bringing friends with them. The program even offers suggestions, based off of the user’s habits, indicating how much time they’ll need and if they’re likely to make it.
“It’s an absolute game-changer” explained Snapchat developer Mitch Cunningham. “Never before has it been so easy to decide whether it’s worth it to try to squeak one out before class. With options like ‘Luxury,’ ‘Speed Round,’ ‘Morning Frustration,’ ‘Out of Nyquil but Need to Chill Out,’ ‘Just Watched Game of Thrones, ’and ‘Had to Read Macbeth for Lit Core and Have A Weird Thing for Older Women,’ this update is taking Snapchat to a whole new level. It can even make the phone vibrate for up to an hour!”
The launch was reported to have gone off without a hitch, though there were scattered reports of users whose roommates had turned off location services finding themselves in rather difficult situations. According to Spiegel, the company is working on a patch to override location services, which would give them universal access to the pleasure habits of anyone using the app.
“Data collection is a necessary part of our growth process,” he told The Classic. “Once we know exactly how, when and where everyone in the world beats their meat, we can tailor the app perfectly to their specifications.”
At press time, Spiegel was speaking to investors, declaring, “That rat bastard Zuckerberg might have stolen Stories and Filters, but let’s see him take THIS!”