University Counseling Services Offering Thanksgiving Break-Up Hotline
GASSON HALL — Acutely aware that it’s a perilous time of year for many doe-eyed freshmen still clinging onto their long-distance relationships with high school sweethearts, Boston College’s University Counseling Services is offering a 24/7 hotline open from November 25th until November 29th for any first-year student that may suffer from the cliché Thanksgiving break uncoupling known as a “Turkey Dump.”
“We at UCS have the honor and duty of serving the mental health needs of the Boston College community, and this telephone therapy was deemed a matter of the utmost importance,” said Thomas McGuinness, Director of Counseling Services. McGuinness explained that Thanksgiving break is already a tumultuous time because of a mix of bad things like relentless questions from family members and good things like two-ply toilet paper, and that the potential of a breakup on top of everything else could “seriously throw some nails into someone’s stuffing.”
The nonstop hotline will be staffed by Jesuits, who McGuinness mentions “know a thing or two about being happily single.” These Jesuits have been extensively trained in recommending angsty breakup music, telling freshmen that there’s other fish in the sea, and suggesting that freshmen eat their problems away with Thanksgiving leftovers.
UCS, trying its best to “relate to the kids,” reportedly made the parody Drake reference of 1-800-TURKEYDUMP with the help of a “highly respected” Resident Director whose meme-tinged informational emails have turned heads and earned applause across all of ResLife.
At press time, UCS was planning on extending the program into Christmas break for those few freshmen who somehow make it past Thanksgiving.