Student Spontaneously Combusts After Playing Music Without Headphones in Library
Earlier this afternoon, Ann Fire (A&S ‘16) spontaneously combusted into a ball of flame and debris after she started to stream Hilary Duff’s “Coming Clean” on the fifth floor of O’Neill library without inserting her headphones first. Hoping to save the day, the Boston Fire Department rushed to the scene. Unfortunately, they were too late: Three stacks of encyclopedias, along with Fire’s dead body, had already burnt to a crisp. No other damage occurred.
“Poor thing,” said BFD fireman Greg Ullman, while smoking an electronic clove cigarette to cope with the stress. “I haven’t dealt with a combustion at Boston College this bad since a kid’s Walkman played The Backstreet Boys on blast in ’99.”
After testing the ashes, professional medical examiners confirmed that a possible source of the combustion could have been the dozen or so pairs of eyes boring into Ann when Hilary Duff’s voice began belting out of her laptop.
“We’re also investigating other causes,” said Dr. Miguel Phoenix, head of the autopsy. “It very well could have been that Ann’s own shame and embarrassment provided enough kindling for the combustion to occur.”
Witnesses on the scene commented on the event. Senior Jose Flint said, “I wasn’t so much shocked by the sight of the flames as I was by the fact that there was music playing out of someone’s computer. On the fifth floor! In the quiet zone! We were all so startled. It’s tragic that she died, yes. But do you know how distracted I got? Dear God, some people have no respect for finals week.”
A small shrine, adorned with flowers and a Hilary Duff poster, has been established on the 5th floor of O’Neill Library for friends and family can come pay to pay their respects to Ann’s memory.
At press time, WZBC announced a plan to use Ann’s story in an instructional video warning of the dangers of listening to popular music.