The New England Classic
Notre Dame Struggling to Find Single-Sex Hotel in Boston
FENWAY — Ranked 5th in the country and boasting a 9-1 record, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish are having an outstanding football season. Most... Notre Dame Struggling to Find Single-Sex Hotel in Boston

FENWAY — Ranked 5th in the country and boasting a 9-1 record, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish are having an outstanding football season. Most sportscasters have Notre Dame crushing the Boston College Eagles in their upcoming matchup on the hallowed grounds of Fenway Park. Unfortunately, the boys from South Bend are facing another problem off the field: they cannot find a single-sex hotel in Boston to stay at, a predicament that one player says is shaking their Catholic values to a point “as deep as the deepest pits of Satan’s eternally torturous kingdom of Hell as described in Revelation 21:8—New International Version, of course.”

Notre Dame’s president, Rev. John I. Jenkins, made a statement earlier today on Notre Dame’s religious attitudes: “We are a proud, Catholic university founded on God’s Word that practices in the world what it preaches in the pulpit—Romans 2:21, come on. Keep up, please. That is why all 29 of our residence halls, which house 80% of our university’s students, are single-sex. Catholics are not allowed to fornicate until they’re married, then they are mandated to screw a lot. That’s from Genesis 9:7, obviously. Go forth and multiply. Read a Bible, for once in your life.”

Jenkins continued, stating that because this is a home game for his players, “I want them to feel comfortable and ready to play, right as if they are in South Bend. The team will not stop searching for a single-sex hotel in the greater Boston area. These poor kids are fragile. A couple linemen fainted earlier today when they heard rumours about a certain Walsh Hall.”

Brian Kelly, Notre Dame’s head coach, agrees with Rev. Jenkin’s reasoning, stating that he doesn’t want his players to be distracted by any “hoo-has,” “beguiling succubus-harlots” or “midnight penis thieves” before Saturday’s game. Kelly remained firm that the only ass he wanted his players to focus on was “the ass of the Boston College player across the line from them.”

Boston College ResLife director Michelle Stopfunnery was found rolling on the floor of Walsh Hall in a fit of laughter sparked by Notre Dame’s puritanical set of residential rules. When she gathered herself, she told reporters that Notre Dame had it all wrong: “Why such concern over mixing genders in dorms? Boo-hoo, get over it, fools! Don’t you realize that alcohol looms as the most powerful danger in college culture today? It’s the Devil’s liquid, I tell you! Avoid drunkenness, you heathens! I’m sure I don’t need to remind you that I’m citing Ephesians 5:18. It’s in the Bible—the best-selling book that God wrote.”

Stopfunnery, normally a sad higher education graduate student but momentarily enjoying the only real power she ever feels, added: “I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but we have the highest amount of alcohol citations of any university in Boston! Unlike our team’s 3-7 record this season, that statistic is my pride and joy! At least someone is doing her job, Steve.”

At press time, Addazzio was writing hand-written letters for every single Jesuit on campus, requesting that they commit every moment of their life until Saturday’s kickoff to out-praying the Irish.  

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