Worse Than Being Fired: Addazio Family Forced To Celebrate Christmas In Detroit
NEEDHAM, MA — Returning home after one of the longest and most emotionally challenging days in his life, Boston College’s head football coach Steve Addazio was forced to sit his wife and kids down in the den on Sunday evening, explaining that he had some very bad news that he needed to share about the team. Many in the Addazio household were prepared for the worst: As cries of “Fire Addazio!” have mounted over the past few months of poor coaching and blundered winnable games, it seemed increasingly likely that Boston College would be prematurely terminating Addazio’s contract at the conclusion of the 2016 season.
For this reason, no one in the family was expecting to have a lavish or expensive Christmas this year. Rather, each member of the Addazio clan had been looking forward to spending the holiday together as a family, curled up in front of the fireplace with hot cocoa and watching Steve attempt his best Bob Ross impression (an annual Addazio family tradition).
“I have to admit, I was planning on a rather somber Christmas because I thought Steve would be searching for a job,” explained Coach Addazio’s wife, Kathleen Donoghue. “I had even already bought him a luxurious, leather-bound folder for his resume and a tie with embroidered mustaches to wear to interviews. I wasn’t prepared for the shock of yesterday’s news at all.”
The news Ms. Donoghue is referring to is, of course, Boston College’s placement in Detroit’s Quick Lane Bowl on December 26. As Addazio’s wife put it, “spending Christmas in Detroit is a far worse punishment for Steve’s mediocrity than if they [BC Athletics] had simply just given him the boot.”
While the rest of his family reports a general unhappiness about Boston College football’s trip to Detroit, Coach Addazio sees opportunity: “I love Detroit. There’s great things to see, wonderful museums to visit, and I’m hoping the team can get together and do some tackling drills in an abandoned automobile factory. What’s better than guys being dudes, crushing each others skulls among the ruins of American industry?”
At press time, the Addazio family was attempting to make the best of a bad situation, having reportedly scheduled a private Christmas morning tour of Kellogg’s Cereal City USA museum in neighboring Battle Creek (as Kellogg’s is widely known to be Coach Addazio’s second favorite cereal conglomerate in the continental United States).