Addazio To Skip Road Game This Weekend In Order To Complete TMNT Group Halloween Costume
PARTY CITY — In a surprising yet completely predictable move, Boston College Head Football Coach Steve Addazio will not be traveling down south with his team to face off against NC State on Saturday. Instead, he has announced that he must remain in the Boston area for Halloween weekend, in order to fill out a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle group Halloween costume.
This frankly embarrassing scheduling conflict couldn’t have come at a worse time—Addazio has just barely made it through a long week of harsh criticism, following his inexplicable medical emergency that caused him to miss last weekend’s Syracuse game.
“I understand that my dudes on the football team and some of our more fanatical Superfans are going to be pretty cheesed off with me for missing yet another game,” the 48th highest paid coach in the nation explained at a press conference held Friday morning. “But if there’s one thing we stress in the BC Football program, it’s a strong sense of commitment. A long time ago, I promised my Buckaroo Boys that I would be their Donatello, and that’s not a promise that I’m willing to break today.”
Perplexingly, Addazio chose to to wear his homemade ninja turtle costume for the duration of the press event, and accordingly received a number of questions about such an odd fashion choice. “Why am I wearing this? Because I’m damn well proud of it, that’s why! Now, does anyone have any extra green spray paint I could borrow? I’m making my outfit from scratch, and part of my cardboard turtle tail is starting to look a little streaky.” Reports are still unclear over whether or not the coach was ultimately successful in his bid for extra paint.
Addazio also made no effort during the press conference to explain who or what he was referring to as “the Buckaroo Boys,” a mysterious group which he mentioned a total of 12 times during the 30 minute event. However, there were three other men in the conference room conspicuously sporting turtle costumes of their own. They erupted in applause every time the odd name was mentioned, and were quick to give themselves up when approached for comment.
“We were all offensive linemen together back at CCSU [Addazio’s alma mater, Central Connecticut State University], Class of ‘82” said Ryan Derkiwitz, twirling a pair of Michelangelo’s orange-tinted nunchucks. “I’m pretty sure the statute of limitations is still in effect, so I can’t get too deep into the details of everything, but the Buckaroo Boys is just what we called our little group of dudes back in the day.”
“Believe it or not, the whole ninja turtle theme was actually Daz’s idea,” revealed Tony “Smackdown” Smith, Addazio’s sophomore year roommate and the group’s blue katana-wielding Leonardo. “Crazy, right? He’s been texting our groupchat about it on a near-daily basis for the past few weeks, just to make sure that we were all keeping up with his proposed costume-making timetable. I would never speak ill of a fellow Buckaroo Boy, but I’m starting to think he missed his true calling as a professional costume designer. After this he wants us to take on the Rhode Island Comic Con, which is apparently only a few weeks away.” Addazio has neither confirmed nor denied these claims.
At press time, Addazio had just sent out a follow-up email to the press, asking to be referred to for the rest of the weekend only as “Dazzatello, member of the Steve-age Mutant Ninja Turtles”