Addazio To Miss Tonight’s Game Against Clemson After Buying Jersey Boys Tickets “Like Months Ago”
BOSTON OPERA HOUSE — It appears as if the Eagles Football team will be flying without the head of their flock for Friday’s big game against Clemson. Amidst the already daunting task of going up against the #3-ranked team and Heisman hopeful Deshaun Watson, head coach Steve Addazio held a last-minute press conference Friday morning to announce that he will not be able to attend the game due to “a severe scheduling conflict.” When pressed to give further explanation, Addazio sheepishly admitted that he must forgo the game in order to attend the Broadway smash hit Jersey Boys this Friday. “My wife really wanted tickets for her birthday, and Friday is typically our good day. Next Friday’s tickets are super expensive because they’re closing on Sunday, and we play so many games during a season, so I thought it wouldn’t be that big of a deal to miss just one, okay?” Addazio explained.
Addazio’s spouse, Ms. Kathleen Donoghue, was also in attendance at the press conference. “Don’t blame this on me, he didn’t even ask me if I wanted to go before he bought the tickets! They were pick-me-up presents after we lost the Hamilton lottery when we visited NYC last March,” said Donoghue. Pausing to shoot her husband a judgmental glare, she then continued recounting his lasting love for the theater, which dates back to his time as the head coach at Temple University. “He dragged me to go see Billy Elliot when it toured in Philly, but we don’t have anything to remember it by. But here’s the playbill from Wicked. He went to it by himself and hummed ‘Popular’ for like a month.”
“While it is unfortunate that he cannot coach this Friday, I understand why Steve is leaving to enjoy a night of song, dance, and beautiful tenors,” Athletic Director Brad Bates said in a follow-up press release. Despite the continued tolerance of Addazio’s actions, patience must finally be growing thin. Between the embarrassment against Virginia Tech and being unable to travel with team to Ireland, Addazio’s seat has to be warming up. With the lack of a head coach, the team will use a “Backyard Football” strategy, where plays are made up on the spot before the snap. “Honestly, just doing random shit probably gives them a better chance of winning,” an ESPN talking head said about the game.
At press time, Addazio was toying around with the idea of taking away practice time next week, in order to teach the song and dance routine for “Sherry” to some of his most rambunctious dudes.