Addazio Hospitalized After Accidentally Ingesting Four Tide Pods, Will Miss Syracuse Game

ST. ELIZABETH’S MEDICAL CENTER — At 11:36pm on Thursday evening, Boston College EMS received an emergency call notifying them of an unconscious man on the floor of the Walsh laundry room. Upon their arrival to the laundry room, the volunteer EMTs quickly identified the man as Steve Addazio, head coach of the Boston College football team. Addazio was rushed to the St. Elizabeth’s emergency room to have his stomach pumped, and has been ordered to stay under the supervision of his doctors until at least Sunday evening. This means that he will be unable to coach in Saturday afternoon’s home game against Syracuse, which will mark his third missed game of the season.

“We were expecting to find yet another wayward sophomore who had fallen victim to the beguiles of Rubinoff, but then we found a bald man in his late fifties next to a spilled-over tub of Tide Pods,” recalled EMT Lance Ambule (MCAS ‘17) with a look of terror on his face. “No amount of training could have prepared us for that. It was horrible! He was mumbling in a semi-conscious state about having to run on first down. We had no choice but to transport him.”

The team of doctors tasked with bringing Addazio back to full health reported that CT scans revealed that the football coach had managed to ingest four entire spring meadow-scented Tide Pods before passing out on the Walsh floor. “My job as an emergency room doctor never fails to surprise me,” said Dr. Julia Stevens. “Treating a multimillionaire football coach who ate a handful of laundry detergent pods will be wonderful to talk about at cocktail parties in the future.”

When he returned to full consciousness and was able to take questions from the press, Addazio explained his mistake: He thought the Tide Pods were Halloween candies. “Growing up in Momma Daz’s house, we were never allowed to celebrate the pagan holiday of All Hallow’s Eve because Momma thought it was evil. Even if it’s been awhile since I was a lad, I still have a really hard time distinguishing between what things are sugary and tasty Halloween candies, and what things aren’t, like those little pouches of laundry detergent. They look so squishy and colorful, but I guess I’ll never learn,” he sheepishly admitted.

Despite the initial embarrassment of his being found unconscious on the floor of a sophomore dormitory, Addazio seems to be keeping a positive attitude about the whole situation. “Any schmuck can eat one Tide Pod, maybe even two if he or she has a strong liver. Me? I ate four. Going above and beyond your competition and always being your best! That’s what being a dude is all about. If I want my players to respect me, I need to practice what I preach. I know my dudes would have all done the same.”

At press time, Addazio had just reassured his players that there was no way in hell he was going to miss another game this season.

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