The New England Classic
The ‘Daz Archives

The ‘Daz Archives

Local Satire Paper Officially Out Of Ideas

CARNEY HALL — According to recent insider reports, Boston College’s only satire publication, The New England Classic, has officially run out of ideas. This revelation comes after an 11-year string of news stories, sketch videos, and football coach video games which some are calling “questionable work, at best.” Yesterday, an anonymous…

Aging Sophomore Can’t Drink Like She Used To

90 SAINT THOMAS MORE RD. — In a groggy haze, Sarah Flaunder (MCAS ‘21) came to the harrowing realization last Saturday that she can’t handle as much alcohol as she could  “back in her youth.” Between gulps of Gatorade, the 19-year-old reported that she had an “uncomfortable mix” of 9…

CAB Holding Auditions For O’Neill Plaza Christmas Tree

This year’s contenders include Bjorn, a Norway spruce; Elrik, a Douglas fir; Gustav, a Lodgepole pine; and Alex (CSOM ‘19), a marketing major.

Addazio Still Not Excused from Thanksgiving Dinner Table, May Miss Syracuse Game

THE ADDAZIO RESIDENCE – Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio may miss the team’s matchup against Syracuse after it was reported early Saturday morning that Addazio had still yet to be excused from Thursday’s Thanksgiving dinner table after refusing to eat the vegetables on his plate. While other members…

Setting the World Aflame? This Abroad Student Just Set a Bar on Fire

PARMA, ITALY — A Boston College student studying abroad at the University of Parma is being held in police custody after setting an entire bar on fire. Police reports indicate that the student, Candace Whiteshire (CSOM ‘20), smoked an entire pack of cigarettes before accidentally dropping a still-burning dart onto…

Student Tour Guide Also Walks Backwards To Class

GASSON QUAD — A number of Boston College students reported feelings of bewilderment Monday morning  when Student Admission Program tour guide Devon Lin (MCAS ‘19) was seen walking backwards to class. “It was crazy,” said eyewitness sophomore Stewart Dent. “He traversed the entire campus without even looking behind him. It…

Student Mistakes Excessive Laptop Stickers For Having A Personality

MCGUINN HALL — On Thursday, the Boston College Psychology Department released a study which concluded that there is a direct correlation between the number of stickers on a person’s laptop and the perception of the stickers as a part of his or her identity. After placing a collection of stickers…

Junior Loses Odds, Drops Out Of BC

LYONS HALL — Tomorrow, Quincy Fitzgerald (CSOM ‘20) will submit a withdrawal form to Boston College Student Services after losing a game of odds, 1 to 1000. Fitzgerald and his roommates, Corbin Godfrey (CSOM ‘20) and Preston Graham (LSOE ‘20), hosted a pre-game at their house on Foster Street this…

Naval ROTC Subdues Reservoir U-Boat Invasion

CHESTNUT HILL RESERVOIR — Twelve midshipmen in the Boston College Naval Reserve Officer Training Corp (NROTC) sunk a German U-Boat on Monday. The underwater craft was destroyed following an ambush during the cadets’ Veteran’s Day (Observed)-mandated recreational time. According to reports obtained by The New England Classic, the siege took…

Health Services Cures Smallpox Using Only Goody Bag Of Ibuprofen

2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE. — On Friday, University Health Services made a groundbreaking step forward in modern medicine: curing freshman Elijah Warren of smallpox using exclusively ibuprofen. Reports indicated that, although Warren’s flu-like symptoms visibly manifested on Monday morning, he was unable to schedule an appointment until Thursday at 8:00 AM….

Addazio Misses Full Week Of Practice After Dedicating Entire Schedule To Making College GameDay Sign

ALUMNI STADIUM — It was reported early Friday morning that Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio missed five consecutive practices this week after dedicating the entirety of his schedule to making a sign for ESPN’s College GameDay. The weekly pre-game show, which has served as a Saturday morning staple for college…

Virus Going Around On Campus Really Making Most Of Its College Experience

GASSON HALL — After only spending two weeks on campus, an untreatable virus has officially infected over half of Boston College. Lectures halls everywhere are reportedly filled with the sounds of coughs, sniffles, and sneezes. “At first I was worried I wouldn’t fit in,” stated the virus. “But this weekend…

RUDE: Bus Driver Takes Three-Minute Break Knowing Full Well This Guy’s Class Started 20 Minutes Ago

MAIN GATE —On Tuesday, an Eagle Direct bus driver treated himself to three-minutes of personal privilege, despite being fully aware that a student, waiting to board the bus, Meninges B. Tinglin (MCAS ‘22), was already twenty minutes late to his 10:00 AM macroeconomics lecture. As a result of the driver’s…

RA Killed On Duty Gets 2150 Gun Salute

2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE. — Over the weekend Boston College Residential Life honored the death of one of their own with a traditional salute. Cannons were fired off the top of Maloney Hall to honor the martyrdom of Resident Assistant Darryl Stills (LGSOE ‘20). Stills was killed during a typical 10:00…

Student “Swamped With Work” Free Enough To Spend Entire Weekend Drunk

STAYER HALL — Matt Harper (CSOM ’20), who recently has been seen on numerous occasions complaining to various friends and acquaintances that he is “absolutely swamped with work this week,” was reportedly free enough to spend the entirety of this past weekend drunk. “Dude, I just have, like, so much…

Dropkick Murphys Cover Band Actually The Dropkick Murphys

BOSTON COMMON — Hundreds of Red Sox fans were left astonished yesterday after learning that the Dropkick Murphys cover band at the team’s victory parade was in fact the actual Dropkick Murphys. The band was situated on one of the first duck boats in the parade procession, which passed through…

Funny Friend Actually Just Mean

THE RAT — In a surprising move this Thursday, friends of sophomore Mike Hanley collectively agreed that his “hilarious roasts” are really just veiled insults. The epiphany occurred when the friends reminisced about his classic jokes, suddenly realizing they were targeted at each of their insecurities and/or flaws. “Yeah, we…

Comm. Ave Bus Flipped As Sox Fans Destroy City They Love

COMMONWEALTH AVE. — On Sunday night, Boston College’s Red Sox fans celebrated the team’s World Series victory against the L.A. Dodgers. As the game came to a close, the boys on the eighth floor of Walsh cooked up the most genius play of the night. “Bros, how wild would it…

Spooky! OSI Approves Another A Capella Group

CARNEY HALL — In a controversial decision, the Office of Student Involvement (OSI) approved the formation of another a capella group on campus last Friday. The newly formed group, The Pottertones, will be Boston College’s first Harry Potter-themed singing group. “I was shocked when I realized there wasn’t a Harry…

Spooky! 23 People Murdered At CAB’s Haunted Lawn Event

STOKES LAWN — Nearly two dozen Boston College students appeared to get more than they bargained for last week at the Campus Activities Board (CAB) “Haunted Lawn” event when 23 people were unable to make it out of the lawn alive. Students who survived the experience reportedly found it difficult…

Spooky! These Guys Dressed As Ghosts Keep Saying Some Really Racist Shit

PULASKI, TN — Mac Xavier (MCAS ‘19) ventured to Southern Tennessee over the Halloween weekend to visit his longtime friend from high school, Dave Dukington. Many were reportedly dressed for the occasion, and some of the people who were dressed up as sheet ghosts kept saying “some really racist shit,”…

Confused Addazio Evacuates Chestnut Hill Due To Incoming Hurricanes, May Miss Miami Game

ALUMNI STADIUM — Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio may miss the team’s Friday night matchup against the University of Miami after Addazio reportedly evacuated Chestnut Hill late Thursday evening, due to what he described as “serious concerns over incoming hurricanes.” While the only hurricanes making their way to…

BCPD Prepares for the Impending Arrival of Florida Man

MALONEY HALL — With the approach of tonight’s matchup against the Miami Hurricanes, most of the Boston College community is ready to wind down the week by enjoying some good ol’ college football. However, the Boston College Police Department (BCPD) has been put on high alert as it prepares for…

BC’s Pipe-Smoking Students Demand More Sumptuous Leather Armchairs

GASSON COMMON — Punctuating their statement with long, pensive draws from their briars, a group of pipe-smoking students presented demands to the University administration on Thursday, citing the need for more sumptuous leather armchairs. The tweed-clad students stood behind a mahogany podium amid wisps of silver-blue smoke and decried the…

Tailgating Parents Totally Unaware That Lilly Is Blacked Out

MOD LOT — Staggering around her roommate’s friend’s tailgate, Lilly Carter (MCAS ’22) reported that game days were her favorite because “none of these parents can even tell I’m shithoused!” An avid football fan, Carter woke up at 8:30 AM to start ripping shots of vodka and sipping spiked seltzers,…

Trick Or Retreat! Kairos Group Goes To Salem To Burn Witches

SALEM, Mass. — The popular Kairos retreat wrapped up another successful spiritual expedition in Salem this past weekend. In addition to the standard prayer and reflection sessions, the participants of Kairos 179 reportedly furthered their understanding of God’s role in their lives by setting fire to at least seven, but…

Yes, Student With Barstool Flag Is Voting In Midterms Too

CLAVER HALL — In a stunning move Saturday evening, Bryce Myers (CSOM ’22) announced his intentions to vote in the upcoming midterm elections. Myers, who receives his political news from the Snapchat Discover section and has a large “Saturdays Are For The Boys” flag hanging on the wall of his…

Candidate For Sainthood? Student Asks “What Floor?” In Elevator

90 ST. THOMAS MORE ROAD — Known for her involvement in community service clubs such as 4Boston and Pulse, sophomore Ashini Anand has established a charitable reputation around campus. This past Friday, she elevated her behavior to near-sainthood when she asked classmate Valentina D’Agostino (MCAS ‘21) “What floor?” upon entering…

Changing Leaves, Brighton Robberies Mark Beginning Of Fall

BRIGHTON, MA — According to a recent BCPD report, the seasonal influx of robberies in the off-campus community is once again in full swing. Along with the crisp air, colorful foliage, and blue skies that mark the fall season in Boston, the familiar ring of police sirens and broken windows…

Rude! I’ve Left My Door Unlocked Every Night And The Tickler Still Hasn’t Tickled Me

I have heard many “horror” stories about BC students waking up in the middle of the night to find a strange man at the foot of their bed. He is a serial home invader; however, he never steals. He just tickles the feet of his prey. Now, I’m not gonna…

REPORT: Dad Can’t Wait To Throw Around The Old Pigskin Whenever You Make It Home, Bud

YOUR HOMETOWN, YOUR HOME STATE — Your loving father (MCAS ‘79) reported over the phone last Thursday that he couldn’t wait for you to get home and throw around the old pigskin, buddy. This news came after an update on Mamaw’s hip replacement, and a reminder that your sister’s birthday…

Article Broken: A Work Order Has Been Requested

Oh no! You broke this article, you big dumb idiot! We’ll fix this problem up in 3-5 business days. For now, head on over to dazquest.com and play your pretty little heart out, you destructive monster. More Hot Single Sandwiches NEAR YOU: Changing Leaves, Brighton Robberies Mark Beginning Of Fall Camp…

Holy Shit, This Guy Is SO Sweaty

STOKES QUAD — On Monday, witnesses reported that Tom Reilly (CSOM ‘21) was “impossibly sweaty.” Temperatures had been approaching the high 80s, but many students were shocked that any one man could be capable of such voracious perspiration, according to sources. Nearby students noted that Reilly was wearing khaki shorts…

Student In Write-Up Meeting Says “I like beer”

WALSH HALL — During his write-up meeting with Walsh Resident Director Diana Steinfein, pre-law student Brad Chadanaugh (MCAS ‘21) reportedly responded to a question about his drinking habits by saying that he “drank beer with his friends, liked beer, and still likes beer.” Steinfein says she discusses drinking habits in…

Freshman Gets Sinking Feeling He’s Only Friend Of Utility

NEWTON CAMPUS — After hanging out with his roommate throughout every Welcome Week activity, Steven Palmer (MCAS ‘22) has reportedly become worried that their relationship is more mutually-beneficial than he originally imagined. “We just clicked at first, you know? We talked about our lives before BC, and found out we…

Boston College Now Demanding Poor Alumni Give Donations In Blood

In an effort to recognize the different socio-economic realities of its alumni, Boston College is launching a new program that will allow the University to collect donations in the form of credit, check, or blood. The initiative was introduced on Tuesday as part of the “Greater Heights” fundraising campaign that…

Study Finds That 100% Of CoRo Residents Can “Sleep On My Couch Any Time”

WALSH HALL — Late Saturday night, Chris Naughton (CSOM ’21), of Walsh 705, learned that one of his close acquaintances and frequenters of his “lit” Walsh pre-games was a resident of Roncalli Hall on College Road. Upon discovering this, Naughton expressed his pity and told Mike DiGiacomo (MCAS ’21) that…

REPORT: Mom Just Didn’t Think You Were The “Weed-Smoking” Type

CHEVERUS HALL — Following an investigation of your underwear drawer and a tight-lipped discussion with Dad, a report published on Friday indicates that Mom just didn’t think you were the “weed-smoking type.” While settling in for their Parents’ Weekend visit, Mom reportedly opened your bureau to make sure you’d been…

Addazio Begs Team Not To Embarrass Him In Front Of His Ex

ALUMNI STADIUM — With the Temple Owls in town to take on the 3–1 Eagles this weekend, head football coach Steve Addazio has reportedly reminded his team multiple times this week to “not embarrass him in front of his ex.” His ex, of course, refers to the Temple football team,…

Student Reminds Friends Not To Swear This Weekend

WALSH HALL — Local student Brad Jones (MCAS ‘21) issued a general warning to his roommates today: don’t swear in front of his mom and dad, or else they’ll yell at him later. This announcement comes after last Wednesday’s revelation that the Jones family would be taking the entire eight-man…

REPORT: Biology Majors Really Just Want The Carbon Cycle To Reclaim Them At This Point

HIGGINS HALL — A group of biology majors were recently found lying face down in the lawn surrounding the Saint Ignatius statue. Seen screaming into the grass awaiting the sweet release of death, the students had reportedly just taken their first organic chemistry exam. Similar to decomposing leaves in autumn,…

RD Uses Fire Drill As Chance To Streak Through Building

90 ST. THOMAS MORE ROAD — The fire drill that occurred Tuesday evening began normally, as disheveled students shuffled outside while emergency vehicles appeared on-site to check rooms. The night took an interesting twist, however, when Resident Director Ted Michaels reportedly ripped off his clothes and tore down the hallway,…

Boston College Officially Named State School Of New Jersey

TRENTON, N.J. — Fulfilling a campaign promise to provide greater educational opportunities for the people of his state, New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy announced on Tuesday that Boston College would officially be recognized as a state school of New Jersey. “It’s something that we’ve been mulling over for a long…

“I’m Definitely The Mom Of The Group,” Reports Woman Giving Birth In Walsh Hallway

WALSH HALL — It was reported late Saturday night that Boston College sophomore, Mary Beaufor-Sax, went into labor in a corridor of Walsh Hall. Before she left for school, many of her small-town peers from Nazareth, Pa., were skeptical of what this single, college-aged woman would be able to accomplish…

Addazio Refuses To Board Team Plane After Watching “Snakes On A Plane,” May Miss Purdue Game

LOGAN AIRPORT — Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio may miss this Saturday’s game against Purdue after refusing to board the team plane to Indiana earlier this morning. While the reason for his refusal to board the plane was initially in question, Coach Addazio was quick to clarify. “I…

Boston College To Protect Students With Juul Citizenship As FDA Ban Approaches

DEVLIN BATHROOM — With the rise of e-cigarettes among young adults and children, the Food and Drug Administration plans to instate a ban against e-nicotine products, most notably Juuls. Boston College has responded to this looming ban by announcing its own plan to protect its Juul Citizens: the administration has ensured…

Meat-Eaters And Vegans Finally Agree: The Grateful Burger Sucks

CORCORAN COMMONS — In a shocking development late Sunday evening, vegans and carnivores alike found themselves united under a radical new idea: the Grateful Burger is fucking gross. The new addition to the Chestnut Hill Grill contains only 50% beef, with the other 50% being a mix of vegetables and…

Yoga Mat Thrilled To Spend Another Year Under Junior’s Bed

STAYER HALL — The large black yoga mat belonging to local junior Vivian Greene has finally made peace with the fact that it will be neglected and ignored for the entire 2018-2019 school year. Like many Boston College students, Greene recently declared a newfound commitment to exercise, but has so…

OPINION: BC Football May Be Ranked, But They’ll Never Be Better Than The 1986 New York Mets

By  Michael Prisciantelli (Class of  1982) Superfans of all shapes, sizes, and median annual incomes were given reason to rejoice this weekend as Boston College was ranked one of the nation’s top 25 college football teams for the first time since 2008. After 10 long years, the Eagles will finally…

Coach Addazio Takes 11 Tries To Tie Shoes, Accidentally Kneels For National Anthem

WINSTON SALEM, NORTH CAROLINA — Football fans were outraged this Thursday as head coach of Boston College’s program Steve Addazio appeared to kneel for the National Anthem, joining Colin Kaepernick and other NFL players in silent protest of America’s institutional racism. However, this incident was reportedly not a statement of…

AJ Dillon Hired To Break Up Cheesesteak Line

LOWER LIVE — After weeks of intense pressure from student groups and BC Dining staff, Boston College has reportedly settled on a solution for battling the increasingly long lines at Corcoran Commons. “Basically, we’re just gonna have AJ pound the shit out of each line about halfway down, and we’re…

Dishes Slowly Gathering In Sink Eager To Destroy Peaceful 8-Man

VANDERSLICE HALL — Peering over the sink with satisfaction, a growing stack of unwashed dishes reportedly can’t wait to ruin the peace in its otherwise tranquil 8-person suite. “I know Katie and Sara are getting along now,” said Sticky Coffee Mug (Dirty Since 08/28). “But just wait till they’re both…

9/11 Moved To October 26th To Accommodate Red Bandana Game

ST. MARY’S HALL — Despite widespread criticism from students, faculty, and alumni, Boston College went forward on Monday with its decision to change the date of 9/11 to October 26th, the date of the annual “Red Bandana” football game. The “Red Bandana” game, which celebrates the heroic actions of Welles…

Addazio Misses Full Week Of Practice After Rewatching UMass Highlights For Past 120 Hours

ALUMNI STADIUM — It was reported early Friday morning that Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio missed five consecutive practices this week after locking himself in his office and watching the official highlight tape of last Saturday’s Boston College-UMass game – in which BC annihilated its opponent 55-21 –…

BC Alternative Senior Fives

Tradition is everything here at Boston College. From our beloved Jesuit values to our fan-favorite football chants (Hoo-Hah!), blindly doing things just because someone has done it before is both fun and easy. Of all these traditions, one of the most popular happens to be the annual “Senior Five” list:…

Inbred Piece Of Human Garbage Wears White After Labor Day

GASSON QUAD — Tommy Michelson (MCAS ’19) was spotted lounging on the Gasson Quad with his roommates today sporting a pair of white Vineyard Vines shorts. Does that dumb bitch not know that yesterday was Labor Day? Michelson, usually a perfectly presentable dresser, seemed blissfully ignorant of his fashion faux…

Club Eager To Reject Kids They Just Recruited At Involvement Fair

MIDDLE CAMPUS — Hundreds of student organizations took to Stokes Lawn on Friday, eager to recruit  hordes of freshmen whose ambitions they could crush. The lineup included dance groups like Sexual Chocolate, service organizations such as 4Boston, and leadership clubs like the Rookie Leadership Program (RLP). Sarah Sivian, RLP Outreach…

Vatican Reminds BC Dining That Snack Attack Was Original Holy Trinity

VATICAN CITY — In a nearly 200-page encyclical titled “Execarbilis,” Pope Francis on Friday called for Boston College to reinstate the Late Night dining policies it abandoned for the 2018-2019 academic year. “Just as the Father, Son and Holy Ghost form a Holy Trinity, so hallowed is the union of…

Student Has Sinking Suspicion No One Really Cares How Her Summer Was

LOWER LIVE — Munching on a full plate of questionable eggs and home fries, junior Samantha O’Gallison reportedly began to wonder whether or not all of her classmates actually cared how her summer was. Sources close to O’Gallison believe she fears the vast majority of people who have asked about…

End-Of-Internship LinkedIn Post MadLibs

As the relaxing days of your 9-5 summer internship come to a close, it’s time to start getting ready for your return to the Heights. But before you pack up the car and buy your textbooks, you have to update your carefully curated LinkedIn network of classmates, high school friends,…

OL Under Impression He’s “The Hot One”

THOMAS MORE APARTMENTS — Adjusting his gold-plated name tag from his reflection in the Robsham window, orientation leader Brayden McPatrick confirmed his self-appointed place in the OL hierarchy. “From the very beginning of training, the First Year Experience staff emphasized that we were selected to represent the BC community as…

Mary Ann’s Purchased By Walt Disney Company

CLEVELAND CIRCLE — Mary Ann’s Bar, the beloved local watering hole frequented by Boston College students for decades, was sold last week to the most magical company in the world. In the wake of its impending acquisition of 21st Century Fox, The Walt Disney Company has purchased Mary Ann’s for…

Freshman Perspectives Class Rescued From Plato’s Cave

CHESTNUT HILL — Late Thursday evening, Boston College officials announced that members of Professor Stephen Brown’s Perspectives class were finally rescued from Plato’s Cave, where they had been trapped since the middle of fall semester. The then-freshmen became stuck in the cave in early November 2017, when the class began covering…

Fr. Leahy Has Great Day At Boston Pride

CITY HALL PLAZA — President William P. Leahy, S.J. let his hair down Saturday at the annual Boston Pride Parade before returning to his poorly lit fourth-floor office in St. Mary’s Hall that night. Eyewitnesses reported (with surprise) that Fr. Leahy exchanged his usual black cassock for a pair of…

Ky Bowman To Return To BC To Finish Natural Science Core

CHESTNUT HILL – Boston College star point guard Kyran “Ky” Bowman (MCAS ’19?) announced he will not enter the NBA Draft and will instead return to the Heights for his junior year. Many draft experts were concerned that Bowman could not make it in the NBA due to his one-dimensional…

College Graduate Doesn’t Even Know Enough Latin To Read Her Diploma

ALUMNI STADIUM — On Monday morning, Boston College conferred approximately 2,300 degrees to graduates of the various undergraduate schools. Amid the smiles, congratulatory remarks, and photographs, one newly-minted BC grad came to the realization she might not have gotten everything she should’ve out of her liberal arts degree. Upon being handed her…

OPINION: Sex Must Be A Sin, Because I Was Never Offered Any

By  Fr. Sebastian R. Cocksworth, S.J. There’s been a lot of talk around campus lately about “Hookup Culture,” and what its place should be in a modern Catholic university. As a long-serving member of the Jesuit community here at Boston College, I would like to politely remind all our students…

Report: “Fuck, Roommate Out of Shampoo”

IGNACIO HALL — Since yesterday morning, reports have been pouring in that Christina Lavarme (LSOE ‘18) is still waiting for her direct roommate Christina Greene (MCAS ‘18) to buy more shampoo. This lack of shampoo comes at a particularly tumultuous time, given that the Iggy B68 roommates have been out…

Artist With Pre-Copernican View Of Astronomy To Play University With Pre-Copernican View Of Everything

THE MODS — Last Tuesday the Campus Activities Board (CAB) confirmed that rapper B.o.B would headline this year’s Modstock concert, causing outrage among many members of the Boston College community. In 2016, the rapper released “Flatline,” in which he defended his opinion that the world is actually a flat plane…

Boston College Finally Supports People Of Color By Allowing Bill Cosby To Keep Honorary Degree

Update: Boston College has since rescinded Cosby’s degree, either because they truly saw the error of their ways or because donors threatened to pull funding. Your guess is as good as ours. Boston College is finally taking a stand and letting everyone know that it proudly supports people of color. After…

Low On Meal Plan, Freshmen Experience First Shocking Taste of Poverty

MCELROY COMMONS — The walls of Carney Dining Hall, once echoing with carefree laughter and the joyous symphony of Upper residents enjoying lukewarm food, took a somber tone this past weekend as many students were forced to confront the reality of their economic standing in the mandatory meal plan. “The…

Freshman Girl’s Shoulders Fall Victim To Lustful Gaze Of St. Ignatius Statue

OUTSIDE – In an effort to enjoy the long-awaited sunny day on the Heights, Heather Lewdowski (CSON ’21) perched herself on the base of the St. Ignatius statue on Monday afternoon, hoping to catch up on homework she neglected over the weekend and soak up some rays with classmates. However,…

Philosophy Professor Blown Away By Students’ Enhanced Participation Today

TOKES HALL — Though discussions in Professor Robert Burnes-Dank’s Friday morning Perspectives class typically fall flat, today’s session ended on a rather high note. The entire class provided deep, burning, introspective thoughts surrounding Plato’s allegory of the cave. It was the most class participation Burnes-Dank had seen in his entire…

Oh No: CAB Booked Their Brother-In-Law’s Band For Modstock After Their Wife Said It Would Mean A Lot To Him

LOWER CAMPUS­­ — In an announcement that left countless students disappointed, the Campus Activities Board (CAB) revealed Thursday that My Old School, a Steely Dan cover band headed by their brother-in-law Rick Enroll would be the headline act for the 2018 “Modstock” concert. While CAB considered a few more well-known acts,…

Sophomore Who Regularly Sleeps Through 11 AM Class Happily Wakes Up At 6 AM To Drink

WALSH HALL — Connor Fitzgerald, a local sophomore who regularly skips his 11:00 AM Globalization class, happily woke up yesterday at 6:00 AM in anticipation of Marathon Monday. “This is the earliest I’ve seen him awake all semester,” said roommate David Brady (LSOE ’20). “He literally never goes to our…

I’m Not Waking Up At 6 AM Tomorrow To Drink, I’m Waking Up Because This Recipe Takes 12 Hours In The Crockpot

Slow Cooker Baked Beans Total: 12 hr 15 min Active: 5 min Yield: 12 servings Ingredients 1 bag dried navy beans, soaked overnight One 6-ounce can tomato puree 1/2 cup brown sugar  1/4 cup molasses  1 tablespoon dry mustard  8 slices bacon, cut into 1-inch pieces  1 large onion, diced …

Underground Frat Announces “The Sound And The Fury” As April Book Of The Month

FOSTER STREET – The brothers of Sigma Phi Epsilon, Boston College’s premier and only attempt at Greek life, announced Thursday that William Faulkner’s The Sound and the Fury as the April selection for their monthly book club. This announcement comes on the heels of March’s insightful discussion of Ayn Rand’s…

Class Clown Takes Snapchat Of Friend From Second Floor Of Lower

CORCORAN COMMONS — Inspiration struck sophomore Tom Wilson Sunday as he sat on the second floor of Corcoran Commons. Wilson exploded onto the Boston College social media scene by snapping a picture of his unsuspecting roommate who was waiting in the checkout line on the first floor. Students report that…

Boston College EMS To Cease Kidney Theft Amid Public Outcry

CHESTNUT HILL, MA — Stating that the gruesome habit no longer reflects what the organization stands for, Boston College Emergency Medical Services (BC EMS) reported Monday morning that it will cease stealing the kidneys of inebriated students. While it intends to continue providing hospital transportation and other services for the student…

Catholic University Believes In Magic, But Not Gay People

The administration of Boston College, a Jesuit, Catholic university, released a video Thursday which suggests that they believe in magic, but have yet to provide evidence that the university believes in the existence of LGBTQ+ students. Students, tour groups, and Potterheads alike have been drawing comparisons between the architecture of…

Mac Expands Vegetarian Options To More Than Just One Leaf

MCELROY COMMONS —  Mike at Mac™ announced Thursday that Carney’s Dining Room, located in McElroy Commons, would be expanding dining options for vegetarian students beyond a single spinach leaf. For decades, Mac has served Boston College students an array of different meal options from Crossroads to Innovations, as long as…

Sophomore Wonders: ‘How Loud Do I Need To Sigh In O’Neill For People To Know I’m Pre-Med?’

O’NEILL LIBRARY — After a particularly exhausting day of classes and labs (which are like classes but longer and even more difficult), pre-med student Charlotte Richards (MCAS ’20) retired to the fourth floor of O’Neill hoping for nothing but a little sympathy. Though everyone in her vicinity seemed to be working…

Help! Scott From HQ Is Proctoring My Exam!

DEVLIN 008 — Students in Professor James Gallagher’s Globalization II class were met with confusion on Monday when a man that looked like a stretched-out mannequin of a leprechaun stood at the front of the room and proceeded to proctor their open note midterm exam. After the 9 AM class…

OPINION: All Of Lower Campus Used To Be A Reservoir. Things Were Better That Way.

Although Lower Campus exists today as the end-all and be-all of social life and high culture at Boston College, things didn’t always used to be this way. Almost 70 years ago, the patch of land immediately east of Main Campus wasn’t land at all, but rather the Lawrence Basin reservoir….

Student That Took Perspectives, Went On Appa, Arrupe, And Kairos, Then Studied Abroad Has Changed So Much They Exist In The Fourth Dimension Without A Physical Form

IGNACIO HALL — As students across campus are returning from their spring break service trips and preparing to re-enter the daily grind of college life, one senior is notably missing from his dorm. Jesús Christopher (MCAS ’18) was supposed to have returned Saturday from a trip to Whitesburgh, West Virginia…

Student ‘Really Needed’ This Snow Day After Taxing 24 Hours Back on Campus

SNOW CITY, USA — Becca Anders (MCAS ’20) was relieved to receive word late Monday night that Boston College would be closed on Tuesday, March 13th due to inclement weather. “I really needed this snow day,” Anders said to no one in particular. “I’ve been so stressed lately, and my…

23 Students Mistakenly Sent On ABBA Service Trip

STOCKHOLM, Sweden – As a result of clerical errors on the part of Campus Ministry, 23 students were accidentally enrolled in the Scandinavian ABBA Service Program. The members of Group 11, who had planned on departing for Whitesville, West Virginia as part of their Appalachia Volunteers service trip, were reportedly shocked…

OPINION: We Need More Diversity Among The Racists At Boston College

Someone needs to say what we’ve all been thinking. The racists on this campus are incredibly homogenous, and I’m tired of this lack of diversity. Having racists of all different backgrounds would be a true benchmark of acceptance at Boston College. Everyone keeps talking about how there’s no diversity on…

Uh Oh! The New Student Rec Center Is Just A Copy Of Walsh

LOWER CAMPUS — With less than a year and a half until Boston College is slated to open its new student recreation center to replace the Flynn Recreation Complex, frantic internal university memos show that a blueprint mix-up has accidentally resulted in the construction of an exact replica of Walsh…

An Inside Look Into The Students For Sexual Health Orgy

After several years of hard work, research, and intense love-making, The New England Classic is happy to report that one of our reporters was invited to the highly exclusive bi-weekly orgy hosted by the Students for Sexual Health. The following account is entirely factual, but all names and fluids have been removed for…

OPINION: Guns Don’t Kill People, Condoms Kill People

There’s a lot of talk right now about the Second Amendment and the need to increase firearms regulations. Well, the joke’s on you, because I’ve read the Constitution, and it’s pretty clear that people have a right to own guns, so there. And honestly, I don’t really care, because this entire God-forsaken campus…

Perpetual Penis Monologues Taking Place On First Floor Fitzaga

FITZAGA — Since the beginning of the school year, the all-male members of the first floor of Fitzaga have been staging a series of “Penis Monologues” which are expected to last indefinitely. The freshmen have clarified that this is not in response to the BC Women’s and Gender Studies Department’s…

Addazio Sends Himself Flowers, Chocolates For Valentine’s Day

ALUMNI STADIUM — While overseeing football practice today, head coach Steve Addazio received a special delivery of a dozen red roses and a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Although Addazio claimed the treats “must be from a secret admirer,” members of the team are certain that their coach purchased them for…

Girlfriend Says “We Need To Be Men And Women For Seeing Other People”

“I can’t believe she just decided to set our relationship aflame like that.”

Comedic Genius Leaves Witty Comment In Class Facebook Group

THE INTERNET — Eric Garnett (CSOM ‘20) was on a comedic tear in the Class of 2020 Facebook group last week after stumbling across multiple posts from people he knew. “If I see one of my friends post in the group, I automatically have to comment something funny and clever,”…

Banana In Backpack Just Happy To Tag Along For The Ride

O’NEILL LIBRARY – After opening her backpack to get a textbook, Sally Yekaterinburg (MCAS ‘19) caught a glimpse of the banana she had packed that morning. “I try to bring a little something healthy to snack on between classes, but I’m not really feeling it right now,” reported Yekaterinburg before…

Office of Student Involvement Unveils “Receding Leader Program”

CARNEY HALL — Citing a commitment to prepare students for realistic, stable career paths, the Office of Student Involvement unveiled a new program designed to impart incoming freshmen with all the necessary skills to spend the next 40-53 years of their lives as subordinates. “Here at OSI, we believe in…

Fr. Leahy Sees His Shadow, Avoids Condemning Racism For Six More Weeks

ST MARY’S HALL — This morning, Boston College president Fr. William P. Leahy emerged from his burrow, spotted his shadow, and retreated back inside in fear, signaling that he will not condemn racism for at least six more weeks. This is a trend that has persisted nearly every Groundhog Day….

Boston College Unveils New Jesuit Values Following Growing Union Power

ST. MARY’S HALL  —  Father Kevin, S.J. and his team of competent, ethical elites have been working on something big. The Jesuits at Boston College, under the direction of the Human Resources Department have unveiled a new set of Jesuit values to replace the tired, old set everyone has grown…

Freshman Lists Organ For Sale In Class Facebook Group

KOSTKA HALL — Late Sunday evening, Boston College freshman Gail Blatter took to the Official Boston College Class of 2021 Facebook group to list one of her kidneys for sale. The post read, “Selling one of my kidneys! Near perfect condition, almost like new. Willing to negotiate price. Message me if…

New Classes For Street-Smart Students To Be Held On Comm Ave.

COMMONWEALTH AVE. — The Office of the University Core announced Thursday that Boston College students would soon have the opportunity to enroll in courses taught directly on Commonwealth Avenue. The classes, held in the middle of Boston’s beltway during rush hour, signals a key step in the University’s efforts to integrate…

2150 Piano Replaced With Two Tiny Maracas And Communal Oboe

ST. THOMAS MORE APARTMENTS — Residents of 2150 were shocked this week to discover that their beloved lobby piano had disappeared without warning, replaced by two maracas sized for the fists of a newborn baby, and a single oboe with a ripped off piece of notebook paper taped to it,…

UGBC Shutdown Ends, Entire Student Body Unaware

CHESTNUT HILL — After a stand-off of unprecedented length, the Undergraduate Government of Boston College ended a shutdown that lasted just over three days. According to a statement from the council, the shutdown began when members of UGBC were unable to agree whether to fund new door knobs for Carney Hall…

Confused Freshman Shouts “Communication” From Gasson Tower, Declares Major

GASSON HALL — Boston College Police reported that late Monday night, freshman RJ Skurry was sighted perched ominously at the top of the Gasson bell tower in a misguided attempt to declare his major. Witnesses to the incident reported he then leaned back and in a trembling, climactic scream announced,…

Trustee Indicted For Colluding With Student Concerns

GASSON HALL — Boston College announced charges against trustee Richard Maloney (MCAS ‘76) on Friday, laying out explicit evidence suggesting that he colluded with student concerns on several instances since his appointment to the Board of Trustees in 2012. Maloney surrendered to BCPD and pled guilty to charges that he…

Last Reference To Hopes And Dreams Deleted From Resume

CHESTNUT HILL — Driven by the fear of looking unprofessional and a desire to convey maturity, Boston College junior Flynn Carter deleted the line “Assistant Director – 2015 Libertyville High Musical” from his resume Monday night. Like many juniors in the midst of the summer internship hunt, Carter realized that…

Report: Lonely Student Probably Not Using That Chair

EAGLE’S NEST — A study done by the Boston College Sociology department revealed that the lonely student a few tables over from you in the Rat is most likely not using that chair. “Are you using this chair?” asked participants in the study to students sitting alone in the middle…

Introducing… SandwichBot3000!

After months of development, The NEC is finally debuting our new artificial intelligence technology SandwichBot3000, an automated content generating system capable of writing humor articles even faster than before! We are still working out a few bugs, but we’re confident we’ll have a fully automated writing staff by 2024. The…

Catholic Church Relieved To Not Be Only Institution With History Of Male Sexual Misconduct

VATICAN CITY — In a surprise press conference last week, Pope Francis weighed in on the growing series of sexual assault and harassment scandals that have been breaking with alarming regularity for the past few months. Speaking from deep within the Apostolic Palace, the Pope commended the brave women and…

BREAKING: Beer, Wine Sales Expanded To St. Ignatius Sunday Mass

ST. IGNATIUS CHURCH — On Friday morning, the Parish of St. Ignatius of Loyola announced that it would begin expanding its communion offerings to all parish masses starting with the 10:00 AM service this Sunday, December 3. This decision appears to have been inspired by the recent actions of the…

OPINION: Muscle Diagrams At The Plex Set Unrealistic Standards For BC’s Muscled Hunks

There’s been a lot of talk at BC lately surrounding body image and self-esteem, and I think it’s time we address the elephant in the room: the impossible-to-achieve muscle diagrams featured on every machine in the Flynn Recreation Complex. Is this really the standard we want to be setting for…

Addazio To Miss Fenway Game Due To Fear Of Green Monster

FENWAY PARK — Stating that they always knew this was a possibility, sources within BC Athletics report that head coach Steve Addazio is expected to miss this weekend’s football game against UConn due to his immense phobia of the “Green Monster.” While ardent Boston sports fans may know that the Green Monster…

Freshman Can’t Sleep With The Thought Of 48Hours Roommate Being With Someone Else

CHEVERUS HALL — In the weeks following his 48Hours retreat to Plymouth, Massachusetts, freshman Derek Smalls (CSOM ‘21) has developed severe insomnia. Sources close to Smalls report that his inability to sleep is due to the fact that he misses the warmth of his 48Hours bedmate’s body next to him…

Anxious Junior Worried She Might Step Outside Comfort Zone Abroad

FOSTER STREET — Rachel Weber (MCAS ’19) has been planning her spring semester in Parma, Italy for months now. However, as she begins to think about what her time abroad will bring, the nerves are starting to set in. “I know it will be okay,” explained Weber, who will be…

Students Complain College Curriculum Getting In The Way Of Sleepaway Camp

CHESTNUT HILL — The Office of Student Services has reported a major increase in the volume of complaints in the past 14 days. Calls and emails have been pouring in from distraught students from Walsh to Newton Campus complaining that the school work being assigned to them is interfering with their…

Tough Guy Still Wearing Shorts

WALSH HALL — After a grueling process of deliberation, the coveted honor of “Toughest Guy on Campus” was unanimously awarded to local student Hunter McGlintey (CSOM ‘20), who has continued to wear shorts into the frigid 40 degree temperatures of recent weeks. In a recent interview outside of his Walsh…

Sophomore Accidentally Launches Nuclear Strike On Russia With UIS

NATO HQ, BRUSSELS — Innocently attempting to sign up for next semester’s classes on UIS early Friday morning, sophomore Harry Wood managed to quite literally set the world aflame when he accidentally launched 24 Trident Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles towards targets in Russia from a US Navy Ohio-class submarine stationed off…

“I’m Fine,” Reports Becky’s Instagram

LOYOLA HALL — Stating that everything seemed normal, local Boston College freshmen confirmed that Becky’s Instagram makes it seem like she’s doing okay during her first year of college. This confirmation comes after last month’s feigned concern from third-floor residents of Loyola that something might have affected Becky’s psychological well-being….

Peer Reviewer’s Essay Fucking Sucks

STOKES NORTH — First Year Writing Seminar is a special part of every Eagle’s freshman year at BC. Around midterm season, things started to get intense for local freshman, Barry Portabella (MCAS ‘21), whose assigned peer reviewer for his rhetoric essay apparently “fucking sucks” at writing. Portabella has been published…

A True Patriot: This Professor Is Honoring JFK’s Memory By Cheating On His Wife

54 years ago this month, the course of world history was changed forever when President John F. Kennedy was cut down by an assassin’s bullet in Dallas, Texas. While more than half a century has passed since that tragic November morning, the memory of the charming, charismatic president lives on…

Tragic: Student Finished With Midterms Has Nothing Left To Rant About

MAIN CAMPUS — After two weeks of pure exam-fueled hell, Arnold Wilson (MCAS ‘20) has declared he has nothing left to complain about. The announcement follows his completion of the Principles of Microeconomics midterm exam, the last in a string of horrific assessments. Friends of Wilson have made their concern…

Guy Who Has Had Sex Twice In Three Years Doesn’t Want To Be Exclusive

CORCORAN COMMONS — Ariana Sommariva (CSON ‘20) was spotted tearing up over a Lower Live omelette Sunday morning, likely in response to the emotional trauma caused by casual romantic partner John Gilmore (CSOM ‘19). When asked about her condition, Sommariva explained that despite their several romantic dates to El Pelon…

Spooky! Notoriously Absent University President Actually Missing

CHESTNUT HILL — In the aftermath of an outcry surrounding the inaction and absence of Boston College’s fearless leader, Father William P. Leahy S.J., a university investigation has concluded that Father Leahy is officially missing. Students have long been lamenting the absence of the renowned Jesuit from frolics on the…

Addazio Gets Night Job As Six Flags Fright Fest Ghoul, Forgets About FSU Game

AGAWAM, MA — Citing scheduling conflicts, Boston College football head coach Steve Addazio announced that he will not be present at tonight’s game against Florida State University. Addazio admitted he “made a boo-boo” and forgot there was a game this weekend, but excitedly revealed that he has been hired as…

Personal, National Tragedies Great For Ticket Sales, Reports BC Athletics Marketing Team

YAWKEY ATHLETIC CENTER — The marketing division of Boston College Athletics released a new report Friday, outlining a recently discovered phenomenon: deeply emotional tragedies can easily be co-opted into fun gameday themes in order to drastically increase ticket sales. This strategy has been proven successful only when used on nationally…

Spooky! Student Refuses To Buy Into Jesuit Traditions, Has No Reflection

WILLIAMS HALL — Thursday morning, sophomore Eric Johnson made a shocking discovery after he walked into the bathroom of his College Road quad. “I was just going about my usual morning routine—smashing the snooze button on my alarm clock until my roommate throws a pillow at me, and then dragging…

Spooky! Four Students Found “Literally Dead” In The Comments

FOSTER STREET — Late Tuesday night, juniors Annie Kelly, Patrick Lee, and Trent Masters, and sophomore Jack West were found “literally dead” in the comments section of a Facebook meme. Screenshots of the incident show Kelly declaring her own literal death in reaction to the meme, which she had been…

BC Bubble Boy Contracts Flesh Eating Bacteria On The Green Line

ST. ELIZABETH’S MEDICAL CENTER — One Boston College sophomore remains in critical condition today after contracting a deadly strain of bacteria on the B Line this past weekend. The student, identified only as “Ben,” was reportedly just “trying to see what’s off campus” and “break the BC bubble” when he…

Pasta Prankster Replaces Crew Team’s Oars With Long Strands Of Spaghetti

CHARLES RIVER — Upon unloading their boats for the 2017 Head of the Charles Regatta early Sunday morning, the Boston College men’s crew team discovered that all of their oars had been replaced with large pieces of uncooked spaghetti. Unable to locate the pro-pasta prankster, the team was forced to…

SnapMap Update Tells You If You’ve Got Time For A Yank

PALO ALTO, CA — Popular photo-sharing app Snapchat rolled out an update today allowing its “SnapMap” feature to tell you if it’s safe to jerk off before your roommate gets home. Evan Spiegel, founder and CEO of Snapchat, says the new update “completely revolutionizes modern GPS-tracking software,” adding that it…

Overeager Freshman Uses Ambulance Transport As Valuable Pre-Med Networking Opportunity

ST. ELIZABETH’S MEDICAL CENTER — Freshman pre-medical student Calvin Morris (MCAS ‘21), both working hard and partying harder, successfully expanded his professional network last weekend from the back of a Fallon Ambulance located outside of Keyes North. Morris, drifting in and out of consciousness, gained valuable insights from the skilled…

Old Dude In Rat Really Going In On Hot Dog

WELCH DINING ROOM — Some fuckin’ old dude was seen absolutely demolishing a hot dog while sitting alone in the Rat Wednesday, eyewitnesses report. Several accounts alleged that the elderly fiend was actually on his second one of the day, too. “Holy shit, that dude was insane,” said Pat Rack (CSOM…

Professor Struggling To Find Anything To Agree With In Student’s Response

DEVLIN HALL — On Tuesday, students in the 10:30 AM section of Europe in the World looked on helplessly as Henry van Cumberbund (CSOM ‘20) provided what may have been the absolute worst possible answer to a question about the causes of World War II. After Professor Laura Bourke posed…

Anonymous Scumbag Selflessly Brings Attention To Campus Race Issues

At a university where students are largely silent with their bigoted values, one anonymous student made the bold decision to deface a Black Lives Matter sign Friday, thereby destroying any lingering semblance of racial progress at Boston College. Absolutely inspiring! Even though this vandalism was clearly fueled by a desperate…

Study Finds Every Intramural Soccer Player Actually Same White Guy Cloned

ALUMNI STADIUM — A recent study conducted by NASA has found that every intramural soccer player at Boston College is actually a clone of one student, who scientists have identified as sophomore John Roberts (MCAS ‘20) from Connecticut. Upon learning this information, 86% of the BC student body responded, “Oh…

Freshman Beginning To Suspect Orientation Leader Doesn’t Actually Want To Be Friends

STOKES SOUTH — Freshman Anna Blumberg realized that her orientation leader, Aaron Parsons (MCAS ‘19), may not actually want to be friends after Parsons showed up more than twenty minutes late for their coffee date Thursday. “I’m so glad my OL finally found time to meet up with me,” said Blumberg as…

OPINION: Senior Five Lists Are A Shallow And Immature Concept, And Why The FUCK Am I Not On One Yet?

Before I begin, let me be clear about one thing: I have NO problem with the concept of premarital sex. In fact, I myself would LOVE to partake in it someday. But making a list of the top five people you want to have sexual relations with before graduation and publishing…

Leahy’s Medical Needs Keeping BC From Fossil Fuel Divestment

CHESTNUT HILL — Boston College’s Board of Trustees made the controversial decision to double down on their investments in fossil fuels during a conference call earlier this week. This announcement has called into question the university’s commitment to environmental sustainability, as well as the dermatologic health of a prominent Boston…

Lazy Student Slowly Crossing Street Clearly Not Late For Anything

MCELROY COMMONS — After a 7 AM session of sunrise yoga and a few lengthy spins around the Labyrinth, Perspectives major Leonard Stroll (MCAS ’20) was sighted crossing the street in front of Mac at a turtle’s pace, lollygagging about and generally doing what eyewitnesses described as “absolutely nothing.” “I…

Reservoir Geese Appalled By Couple Making Out On Bench

CHESTNUT HILL RESERVOIR — In a surprise public statement released on Monday, the head goose of the Reservoir Waterfowl Flock expressed his dismay at the lewd actions that regularly occur on reservoir benches. According to the spokesbird, the most recent incident took place on Saturday night, shortly after a freshman…

Bean Counter Closes, “We’ve Counted All The Beans”

FULTON HALL — Boston College’s favorite on-campus coffee joint, the Bean Counter, closed Thursday after the final bean was counted. Manager Tara Macchiato reported that the final count came out to 14,574 total beans, which many agree is a sizable amount. “We’ve officially counted all the beans,” said Macchiato. “It…

Addazio Lost In Corn Maze, May Miss VTech Game

DANVERS, MA — As the Boston College football team enters its fourth hour of advanced search and rescue procedures at the Connor’s Farm corn maze, head coach Steve Addazio has all but been presumed permanently lost, and is expected to miss the upcoming night game against Virginia Tech. While the team’s annual…

Help! My Conversation Partner Only Wants To Talk About How Much He Loves “The King Of Queens!”

“Most scenes take place in the Heffernans’ home, but other common locations include Doug and Carrie’s workplaces.” These were the first words I ever heard from Tim, and they changed my life forever.   “Find your Conversation Partner!” they told us. How young we were then, how naive. Basking in…

Underground Frat Charged With Distribution To Miners

STRATHMORE ROAD — Boston College officials issued a citation to the campus’s notorious “underground” fraternity on Saturday following the shocking discovery that they had been providing alcohol to miners. According to an official statement from BCPD, officers became suspicious when they noticed a group of individuals dressed in salmon shorts walking into…

“Achoo!” Reports Entire Student Body

CHESTNUT HILL — The first fall of crumpled tissues blankets the campus. Droplets of influenza and ragweed are a-floatin’ through the crisp winter air. It’s sneezy season here on the Heights and the noses be drippin’! “Sorry, I’ve had, like, a really bad cough lately,” your red-eyed, inexplicably leaking roommate reports,…

Alumni Parents Keep Hinting At Where They Used To Fuck

BUSTNUT HILL — Freshman Jake O’Flannery (CSOM ‘21) was treated to a very special tour of Boston College this Parent’s Weekend when his mother, Erin O’Flannery (A&S ‘86), and father, Marcus O’Flannery (CSOM ‘86), brought him along to revisit all the places on the Heights where the couple used to fuck….

What To Do When Your Parents Sexile You On Parents’ Weekend

CHESTNUT HILL, MA — Parents’ Weekend can be a very stressful time for both students and their parents. You may find that it’s hard to readjust to your parents after being away from home for so long. Your parents will probably find it’s difficult to not just rip off their…

5 DILFs You’ll Meet During Parents’ Weekend

Parents’ Weekend is a special time of year. The football game gets everyone’s spirits up, the weather is still nice and temperate, and seeing family is always something special. But let’s not forget what it’s really all about: ass. Hot Dad Ass. Sorry Mom, can’t talk right now, I know…

Ivy League Who? We Ranked The Top Colleges In America And Put BC First!

College ranking lists come out every fall, so it’s the perfect time to scroll through your Facebook and think “weird brag, dude” when some guy you went to high school with shares that his school is now “Ranked #35 in small-to-medium-sized sub-Saharan African zoology programs in the lower Midwest!” We…

Dog Walked On BC Campus Develops Quite The Ego

“It’s sad, really, that he’s letting it go to his head. Fame is a fickle friend indeed.”

Off-Campus Basement Requires Alarmingly Few Changes To Become Murder Dungeon

FOSTER STREET — In the midst of a Saturday night shindig, party-goers at 269 Foster St. noted that the house’s poorly lit basement into which they had gathered required alarmingly few modifications to be turned into a subterranean dungeon in which to induce human suffering. Noting the cellar’s low ceilings, warped concrete…

Addazio Boards Comm Ave Bus Instead Of Team Bus To South Carolina, Will Miss Clemson Game

CONTE FORUM BUS STOP — With Saturday’s game against Clemson rapidly approaching, it looks as though the nationally unranked Boston College Eagles will be left coachless once more, following another bald-headed blunder from Head Honcho Steve “Scuba Steve” Addazio. Coach Addazio reported to Conte Forum at roughly 11:30 PM on…

UGBC Advances Legislation to Re-Name Stokes Bridge “The BC Taint”

GASSON 201 — In an unprecedented outpouring of student support, the UGBC general assembly reportedly passed a bill on Wednesday which would officially change the title of the bridge between Stokes North and South to “The BC Taint.”   The Bridge, which had been advertised by the school as a…

Embarrassing: This Freshman Said “Have A Good Day Professor” To His Mom

CLAVER HALL — In a recent phone call home, freshman Dave McDoug (LSOE ‘21) reportedly bid farewell to his mother by saying “Have a good day, professor.” “God, I’m so embarrassed!” McDoug said in an interview. “I accidentally referred to the woman whose womb I once called home as ‘professor.’…

CSOM Student Has Business Casual Sex

STAYER HALL — Carroll School of Management junior Dan Tribbiani reportedly engaged in business casual sex Saturday night. The hookup began at a Career Center event in Mod 12A. Upon arrival, Tribbiani hoped to improve his employment prospects and also maybe fuck. Once inside, he connected with Jessica Lange (CSOM ‘19),…

Jesuits Plan “Holy War” Tailgate Ahead of Notre Dame Game

ST. MARY’S LAWN — A group of Jesuit priests are preparing to host the “tailgate of the millennium” to coincide with Saturday’s Holy War football game against Notre Dame, Boston College’s long-standing rival Jesuit institution. Initial reports suggested that the clergymen had set up a large charcoal grill and several…

38% of Student Body Shares Same One Black Friend

CHESTNUT HILL  — Thirty-eight percent of current Boston College undergraduates share the same one black friend, according to a recent study by the Department of Sociology. Researchers found that being friends with Marcus Williams (MCAS ‘19) provides over 2,000 students with an excuse to “jokingly” say the n-word and casually…

It’s Suit Time!

It is the time when all the suits come out to play! Hark, my children! Grab your neckties and button your cuffs, for it is suit time. Yessir, we’ve waited many a fortnight but it has finally come: the time when all the suits come out to frolic on the…

Roommate Concerningly Unphased By Mysterious Beige Spot On Mattress

90 ST. THOMAS MORE ROAD — Over the last week, disturbing reports have circulated around Lower Campus suggesting that Mark Connors (CSOM ‘20) doesn’t seem to mind the odd beige stain on his standard-issue Boston College mattress. Ear-witness accounts confirm that, yesterday, Mark called the mystery stain, “not that big…

Abroad In Berlin, Addazio To Miss Wake Forest Game

BERLIN — Football head coach Steve Addazio will be missing Saturday’s game after a controversial last-minute decision to study abroad in his fifth year on the Heights. According to The Classic’s international correspondents, the full-figured adventurer has been spotted taking pictures in front of the Berlin Wall and planning day…

Newly Ordained Fr. Kevin Spends All Of Mass Playing “Flappy Bird” On Phone

CONTE FORUM — During Boston College’s annual Mass of the Holy Spirit, newly ordained, and self-proclaimed “hip, young Jesuit” Fr. Kevin, S.J., spent the entirety of the service playing “Flappy Bird” on his iPhone 6. The traditional “opening ceremony” for the academic year dates back to the Middle Ages, when Jesuits commemorated the new…

Wise RA To Freshman: “I remember when I was your age”

CLAVER HALL — Sophomore Resident Assistant Jessica Bryant (MCAS ’20) imparted some invaluable nuggets of wisdom to freshman Sierra Mortensen (LSOE ’21), one of her residents on Claver 3, Tuesday afternoon. With a full nine months of college under her belt, Bryant found herself reminiscing about the “good ol’ days”…

“Fun Fact” Not Actually That Fun

STOKES NORTH — Classmates of Todd Cummings (MCAS ‘21) were incredibly disappointed Thursday after his introductory “fun fact” in their First Year Writing Seminar turned out to be really not that fun. The professor’s innocent attempt to get to know her students’ names and interests quickly devolved once it was Cummings’ turn to…

Vandy, 90 RAs Win Third Consecutive Opening Weekend Write-Up Contest

BOSTON COLLEGE — The Vanderslice and 90 Hall RAs won the 154th Annual Opening Weekend Write-Up Contest last weekend with a record-breaking 174 write-ups, making this their third consecutive victory. The fresh excitement of living on Lower Campus mixed with an oddly anticipated televised fight between two sweaty guys made…

2,300 Diplomas Sent To BCBlackWhitePrintQueue

O’NEILL LIBRARY — Mass hysteria erupted throughout the Heights on Monday morning, as University President Father William P. Leahy, S.J. announced that all diplomas for the Class of 2017 will be distributed digitally, and may only be accessed via the graduates’ individual print queues. This unconventional delivery method breaks from…

Campus Nerds Announce Plan To Hand In Finals Early

BAPST LIBRARY — In a rallying cry to all nerds on campus, a group of bespectacled, tweed-wearing students took to the lawn of Bapst early Monday to announce a plan to turn in their final exams before even three-quarters of the exam time had passed. The proposal was heralded by…

4 Students Die Of Dysentery On Journey For Empty Classroom To Study In

STOKES SOUTH — Tragedy struck a group of 4 Boston College sophomores this afternoon, who all died of dysentery on the long and arduous journey in search of an empty classroom for their group to study in. The group set out on their quest with nothing but their books and…

Sophomore Guy’s Masculinity Hanging On By Thread Of Embroidered Club Sports Patagonia

THE RAT — After an exhausting semester that consisted of seemingly letdown after letdown, Dan Wellington’s (MCAS ’19) masculinity was reportedly entirely dependent on his embroidered Boston College Men’s Crew Patagonia Snap-T. “I still don’t have a summer internship, I realized I don’t want to be friends with my roommates…

Professor With Doctorate Can’t Rotate PDF Documents

BOSTONCOLLEGE.INSTRUCTURE.COM — Uploading documents to her class’ Canvas page, Professor Sheela McGuire, could not figure out how to rotate the PDF documents of readings she assigned her Gender & Sexuality class to do. As a result, the frustrated professor reportedly uploaded the documents sideways. “Uhh… my students should be able…

Anxious Student Desperately Hopes Friend Visiting From Home Has Fun Weekend

66 COMMONWEALTH AVE — After suffering through a lengthy and arduous series of texts, Alex Delamigo (CSOM ’19), has announced that he will be hosting his hometown friend Todd this upcoming weekend. Although Delamigo, a native of nearby Waltham, Massachusetts, claimed to have “no official plans,” his friend from home…

Distraught Freshman Girl Runs Away Down South In Search Of Sorority Big

FORT WORTH, TX — Boston College freshman Sophia Brambleberry has reportedly left the Heights and moved to the southern United States in search of her very own sorority big sister. She has been camping out on the campus of Texas Christian University since Sunday, sleeping on the lawns of various…

Boston College Administrators Apparently Under Impression That Wheelchairs Have Jetpacks

ACADEMIC QUAD — In an exclusive interview this afternoon about Boston College’s accessibility for people in wheelchairs, a duo of Boston College administrators seemed to not see the problem with the university’s possibly illegal deficit of wheelchair ramps and other typically standardized campus accessibility accommodations. The administrators’ lack of concern for…

“You Look Great Today,” Reports Robsham Window

LOWER CAMPUS — Sitting there a little more reflective than usual today, the Robsham Window reportedly wanted to let you know how great you look today. “Damn! You look good as hell today. Is that a new shirt?” the Robsham Window told the press in a conference earlier this afternoon, adding that…

Addazio Insists On Wearing Easter Bunny Costume To Spring Football Game

ALUMNI STADIUM — It appears as if the most devoted Boston College Superfans may be treated to quite an unusual sight on Saturday, during the annual Jay McGillis Memorial Spring Game. Typically a day for Boston College families and sports fanatics to catch a sneak preview of the football team…

We Got High and Shouldn’t Have Written This Article

Well it looks like this is where we’ve ended up, you guys. “What happened?” we bet you’re all wondering. “How did they get here?” Well, maybe we got a little bit too high and shouldn’t have written this article. As you may know, today is April 20th, the counterculture holiday…

Group Project Member Can’t Meet At That Time

CHESTNUT HILL — Citing a variety of reasons why it just wouldn’t work for her, group project member Carrie Massie (MCAS ‘19) announced Tuesday morning that she simply couldn’t meet at the nearly unanimously agreed-upon time. “Sorry guys, but that’s just no good for me,” Massie messaged in the GroupMe…

Health Services To Begin Inserting Tiny Crucifixes In Place of IUDs

2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE — In a stunning and unprecedented leap into the pool of twenty-first century healthcare, University Health Services has decided to hop on board with the reproductive rights movement that began almost exactly 57 years ago on May 9, 1960, when the FDA approved the first birth control pill….

OPINION: I’m Running The Marathon And I’m Not Afraid To Admit It

You may have heard some of the rumors that have been floating around these past few months. Well, allow me to set the record straight: I’m running the Boston Marathon this year, and I’m not afraid to admit it. There, I said it. I know you must be shocked, appalled,…

Tour Guide Claims Gasson Tallest Building On East Coast

MIDDLE CAMPUS — Stretching the truth for the fifteenth time during the short tour of campus, Student Admission Program tour guide Maxine Alturn (MCAS ’18) claimed that Gasson Hall, with its 200 foot bell tower, was the tallest building on the East Coast. Stating the boldface lie with calm and…

Leahy Prays To Top Donors, Trustees For Guidance On Gender-Neutral Bathrooms

CARNEY HALL — On Sunday night, the Undergraduate Government of Boston College passed The Resolution Concerning Single Stall Restrooms, officially calling for a change in all strict male-or-female signage for the 18 single-stall restrooms in academic buildings on campus. In passing this resolution, UGBC has shown support and recognition for…

“I love my family and going to the movies,” Reports Intermediate Italian Student

LYONS HALL — Raising her hand for the first time in weeks, sophomore Katie Moskovitz (MCAS ‘19) informed her Intermediate Italian class Wednesday afternoon that she reportedly loved her “family and going to the movies.” Sources confirmed that her proclamation seemed credible, citing previous statements given by Moskovitz which suggested that…

Paid Off By BC Administrators, God Rains Out Climate Justice Rally

EARTH — Due to a heavy rainfall, Tuesday afternoon’s Climate Justice at Boston College rally was forced to relocate from O’Neill Plaza to the Vanderslice Cabaret room. Although no foul play was suspected at first, an anonymous source has since come forward to confess that this was no mere “April…

Tragic: Hundreds Of Boston College Students Are From New Jersey

Hold onto your seats, folks, because we just heard the most terrible news. As it turns out, hundreds of Boston College students are from the state of New Jersey. Can you believe it? This heartbreaking news was made public by the Boston College Office of Undergraduate Admissions, who openly admitted that many…

Sir Steve Addazio’s Army on Eight-War Losing Streak

ALUMNI CASTLE — The maroon and gold-striped white flag has finally been raised; Sir Steve Addazio’s four-year war against the Kingdom of Forrest’s Wake is over at long last. This marks Sir Steve’s eighth straight military loss in the past three decades (not including his many victories against non-European Atlantic…

Biology Department Engineers Next Generation Of Orientation Leader

HIGGINS HALL — Speaking at a crowded press conference this afternoon, Boston College biology professor Elizabeth Ryan proudly unveiled the latest generation of Orientation Leader, which she and her team of world-class scientists spent the greater part of the last year genetically engineering. “The 2017 edition is by far the…

Harvard Reject In Honors Program Not Bitter About It Anymore, Alright?

MEDEIROS C — Venturing out from her achievement-laden dorm room, freshman Sammy Laude (MCAS ‘20) announced today that she has finally gotten over her rejection from Harvard University. An alumna of an elite New England preparatory school, the Lexington, MA native explained that she had been quietly struggling with feelings of…

Roommate From Faraway Land Where No One Fucking Cleans, Apparently

VOUTE 311 — Rummaging through a seemingly endless pile of dirty plates and pans, senior Alberto Parenté concluded that his roommate, who is being kept anonymous for his safety, must be a from a faraway land where no one fucking cleans, apparently. “There is absolutely no way a sane human…

Plex Bro Takes Good Look Around Before Set to Make Sure People Are Watching

FLYNN RECREATION COMPLEX — Standing in front of the cable machine while mentally preparing himself for another set of triceps exercises, frequent Plex-goer Rob Schlossman (CSOM ‘19) checked his surroundings to ensure that someone would be watching him work out. Unable to find anyone at first, the sophomore eventually established…

ResLife Clerical Error Gives One Lucky Freshman Housing In Meatball Obsession Stand

LOWER CAMPUS — As many Boston College freshmen continue their frantic social scramble to secure housing for next year, one lucky student will be living somewhere a little more unique than the typical sophomore housing options, thanks to a clerical error by an entry-level ResLife employee. Vito Anthony Bertucci, Jr….

“ResChoice” Students Demand More Say In Housing Process

OFFICE OF RESIDENTIAL LIFE — A new protest movement on campus has started to gain noticeable traction this week, as hundreds of students are coming together to express their frustration with the notoriously tedious Boston College room selection process. These student activists, who describe themselves as “ResChoice,” are finally speaking…

Student At Party Reportedly Coming Out Of Cage, Doing Just Fine

VANDERSLICE HALL — Standing in the middle of an eight-person suite filled to maximum capacity, Rebecca Johnson (LSOE ’19) reportedly proclaimed that she is “doing just fine” after “coming out of her cage.” Johnson, who screamed this realization at the top of her lungs, was reportedly met with widespread approval…

Overeager Sustainable Living Students Recycle Tissues During Peak Cold Season

VANDERSLICE HALL — As the residential population of Boston College enters the final stretch of cold season, there are many visible signs of a campus’ winter-long struggle with sniffs and sneezes. Dining hall soup reserves are at an all time low, and half-empty Nyquil bottles sit in every medicine and…

Professor Spent Snow Day Worrying About Students Fucking

CHESTNUT HILL, MA — Driven by the thought of all the opportunities kids were having to copulate, Professor Harry Bonin spent most of his day off on Tuesday in a state of complete distraction. The elderly philosophy professor, who has long taken a firm stance against college hookup cultures, remained…

“God Best Experienced In This Hot Tub,” Reports Vacationing Jesuit

TURKS AND CAICOS ISLANDS — After ordering several fruity drinks and stripping down from his robes, Fr. Tommy O’Harrison, SJ, who treated himself to a vacation over Boston College’s spring break, reportedly came to the divine realization on Sunday afternoon that God was best experienced in the exact jacuzzi at The Palms Turks…

Students Gear Up To Do Exact Same Thing With Exact Same People In Different Country

NOT BOSTON COLLEGE — Hustling and bustling around campus and cramming in last-minute studying for midterms this week, hundreds of Boston College students collectively expressed their excitement to spend their impending spring break doing the exact same things with the exact same people, but in a different country. Students have already…

Social Degenerate Sits Down 2 Seats Away From Strangers In The Rat

LYONS HALL — Mass hysteria broke out in The Rat last Thursday afternoon when Reggie Euler (MCAS ‘20) paid for his meal, grabbed a few napkins, and proceeded to sit down at the empty corner of an otherwise occupied table. Apparently oblivious to clearly established social norms, Euler then boldly…

MBTA B Line Renovation Will Add 47 New Stops

NEAR DUNKIN DONUTS — The Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority (MBTA) announced this week that it will be redesigning the “B” Branch of the Green Line to include significantly more stops. The current plan, announced at Boston City Hall yesterday, slates for 47 new stops on the “B” line, which according to…

Junior Receiving College Credit For Four Month Vacation

SOMEWHERE IN EUROPE— Boston College study abroad student Elena Olson (MCAS ‘18) will reportedly receive a full semester of credit for taking a four month vacation, filled with excursions to historic landmarks, museums and picturesque scenery, along with lots of yummy food and long nights of partying. “I’m not sure…

“Everything’s Good, You?” Reports Hometown Friend

YOUR HOMETOWN — In a 10-minute text message exchange held Tuesday afternoon, it was confirmed that “everything” with your hometown friend Ryan was “good, you?” While he confirmed that “classes sucked,” your pal from high school was keen to note that his workload this semester “wasn’t too bad” and that…

Purveyor Of High Culture Spends Afternoon At MFA

MUSEUM OF FINE ARTS, BOSTON — Speaking to a mob of reporters while walking down the museum’s front steps, sophomore Paula Monay (MCAS ‘19) confirmed the rumors that she had indeed spent her Sunday afternoon looking at some of the finest art Boston has to offer. “The Frida Khalo exhibition…

UGBC Presidential Candidate Found To Have Dangerously Close Ties To Student Government Of Moscow State University

CARNEY HALL — Coming at the end of what has been an especially caustic and divisive UGBC election, there has been a significant increase in gossip around campus about the candidates. Most notably, a vast majority of these rumors point to current presidential frontrunner Peter Volkov (LSOE ‘17) having uncomfortably warm…

“Eat, Drink, Talk, Kink”: Lower Unveils BDSM-Themed Valentine’s Menu

KINKERAN COMMONS — Going against hundreds of years of rigid Church doctrine, Boston College Dining Services cooked up some controversy on Tuesday morning by announcing a special menu for Valentine’s Day. Catering to the most heathenous members of the BC community, the aptly named “Eat, Drink, Talk, Kink” program will be…

“Everyone’s Sick Cause Everyone’s Kissin’,” Reports University Health Services

2150 COMMONWEALTH AVENUE — Noting a drastic increase in students with cold and flu symptoms in the past week, University Health Services performed an extensive data analysis and came to the conclusion that “everyone’s sick cause everyone’s kissin’.” Laboratory tests on samples from several infected people confirmed what health officials…

Boston College Promises To Provide Students Sanctuary From Snow, No Word Yet About White Nationalist US Administration

MALONEY PRESIDENTIAL SUITE — Taking advantage of yesterday’s snow day for some much-needed personal time, University President Rev. William P. Leahy, S.J., sat down with several members of the press to affirm Boston College’s commitment to keeping its students safe from the weather, but not the white nationalists passing executive…

Plex Employee With Spotify Premium To Headline Hutapalooza

NEWTON, MA — The Boston College Campus Activities Board announced Friday morning that the headliner for this year’s Hutapalooza, a new concert held at the Quonset Hut on Newton Campus, will be a Plex Employee with Spotify Premium. This up-and-coming yet secretive DJ is a cult hit in certain circles,…

OPINION: Oops! I “Leaned In” Too Far And Fucked My Professor

Women have come a long way in the workplace since the days of Rosie the Riveter. Pioneers like Sheryl Sandberg of Facebook and her feminist manifesto Lean In, which I read the first chapter of over winter break, urge women to “lean in” at the physical and figurative table and…

Lady Win! This Finance Major Is Slated To Be Her Own Sugar Daddy

FULTON HALL — Sabrina Connors (CSOM ’17) accepted a full-time offer from JP Morgan Chase at the Career Fair this past Wednesday. This is an incredible feat for Connors and an amazing example for all aspiring BC businesswomen to follow – almost as incredible as her underlying feminist victory: she plans…

OPINION: I’m A Feminist, But Don’t Think I Won’t Cry To Get What I Want

Hey, don’t get me wrong—I totally think women should be equal to men. And that seventy-something cents to the dollar pay gap is total bull! Women’s rights are human rights, plain and simple. But just because I think that women and men should make the same amount of money for…

OPINION: I Thought I Was His Date, But It Turns Out I Was Only His Homework Assignment

So there I was, sitting with Greg at The Chocolate Bar. We were talking and sipping cappuccinos, having a genuine, thoughtful conversation about our hometowns, families, and uncertainties about settling in on a major. I learned that he grew up in Akron, Ohio, has four younger siblings, and he probably…

Career Fair Rigged Against Humanities Major

CORCORAN COMMONS — After circling the bustling Heights Room during the Spring Career Fair several times, sophomore English major Hannah Ping came to the realization that the Fair had been deliberately and purposefully planned to not help her internship search at all. “This is ridiculous!” cried Ping, who is currently enrolled…

Student Happy To Be Reunited With Constant Anxiety After Relaxing Winter Break

STAYER HALL — Having spent the past three weeks in a relatively calm state of mind, junior Matthew Angstrom (MCAS ‘18) reported that he was happy to finally reunite with his constant anxiety this week. While admitting that he enjoyed having some time apart from his existential dread during the…

OPINION: There Will Be No Technology Allowed In My Classroom, Except For These Bop-Its

Hello, class. Welcome to your first day of Postcolonial Gender Dynamics In Western Society! As all of you are upperclassmen, I won’t waste time by going over every last sentence on the syllabus—I expect you to have done that on your own time. However, there are a couple of things…

Snapchat Story Totally Has State School Friends Fooled

“These snaps are exactly what I needed to prove Brent and Chad wrong!”

Worse Than Being Fired: Addazio Family Forced To Celebrate Christmas In Detroit

“I’m hoping the team can get together and do some tackling drills in an abandonded automobile factory. What’s better than dudes being dudes, crushing each others skulls among the ruins of American industry?”

Students Thrilled To Know Leahy Cares, Even Happier To Know He’s Alive And Well

BOSTON COLLEGE — The Heights broke news earlier this evening that President Fr. William P. Leahy, S.J., signed a statement supporting Boston College’s commitment to protecting its undocumented students by holding up President Obama’s executive order, Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA). Because DACA may be in danger of being…

Addazio Trampled While Black Friday Shopping At Bed Bath & Beyond

CHESTNUT HILL MALL — Tragedy struck in the wee hours of Friday morning, as Boston College Head Coach Steve Addazio has been taken to the hospital after being trampled at a local Bed Bath & Beyond in a fit of Black Friday-induced violence. Addazio had been camping outside the retail…

Friends From First Week Of Freshman Year Finally Distant Enough To Just Ignore One Another

O’NEILL QUAD — As they passed each other without eye contact or acknowledgement between classes this afternoon, juniors Kelly Jones (CSON ‘18) and Kayla McArthur (MCAS ‘18) breathed a collective sigh of relief, relishing in enjoyment of their mutual disregard for each other. While future trends in human interaction are difficult to…

Welcome To Another Episode Of Pimp My UIS!

Welcome to another episode of Pimp My UIS! I’m your host, world-renowned Catholic rapper ever2Xcel, and today we’ve got a university information system that is in serious need of an upgrade! Johnny Manzo is a junior in the Lynch School here at Boston College, and he’s been registering for courses for years with…

Fashionably Late Freshman Third Person At Party

RUBENSTEIN HALL — After buttoning the last button of his fine poly-cotton blend shirt at approximately 8:24 p.m. in his Keyes South double, Arnold Pellegrini (MCAS ‘20) was spotted making his way to the Newton bus with a cool, collected confidence that he hadn’t experienced since high school, when he…

Student ‘Not One To Get Political Online, But’—Oh Boy, Here We Go

MIDDLE CAMPUS — At 11:02AM this morning, senior Bryan McDadderson (MCAS ’17) placed his fingers to keyboard and—uh-oh—thought about posting a Facebook status with his “unique” insight into the 2016 presidential election. While McDadderson reportedly told himself that this behavior was not consistent with his normal online activity, sources close…

Fr. Leahy Announces Ambitious 10 Year Plan Of Keeping Things Exactly How They Are

ST. MARY’S HALL — Inspired by the historic lack of discourse about policy and reform proposals in the 2016 presidential election, university president Rev. William P. Leahy, S.J., held a private press conference on Friday to announce his bold new vision for the next ten years of academic, infrastructural, and…

Freshman Takes Off Mask For Halloween

LES MODULARS — Jake Griffin (CSOM ‘20) caused shock, confusion, and a worrying amount of arousal to a number of students with his controversial choice of Halloween costume this year. In spite of the temptation to dress as ‘Sexy Steve Addazio’ or ‘Sassy Stuart Lunch Lady,’ Jake took a different approach, deciding…

Addazio To Skip Road Game This Weekend In Order To Complete TMNT Group Halloween Costume

PARTY CITY — In a surprising yet completely predictable move, Boston College Head Football Coach Steve Addazio will not be traveling down south with his team to face off against NC State on Saturday. Instead, he has announced that he must remain in the Boston area for Halloween weekend, in…

Addazio Hospitalized After Accidentally Ingesting Four Tide Pods, Will Miss Syracuse Game

ST. ELIZABETH’S MEDICAL CENTER — At 11:36pm on Thursday evening, Boston College EMS received an emergency call notifying them of an unconscious man on the floor of the Walsh laundry room. Upon their arrival to the laundry room, the volunteer EMTs quickly identified the man as Steve Addazio, head coach…

Pre-Law Student Filibusters Walsh RD Meeting For Ten Hours, Escapes All Disciplinary Action

WALSH HALL — After a wild Saturday night on the third floor of Boston College’s iconic sophomore shithole, the rowdy yet lovable boys of Walsh 307 found themselves in some seriously hot water. Following a handful of noise complaints and a couple of tip-offs from ResLife insiders, a crack team of RAs discovered…

EPA Warns College Campuses About Dangerous, Invasive A Cappella Groups

LYONS HALL — In a statement released last week, the Environmental Protection Agency issued a warning to colleges across the nation about the newest environmental, economic, and cultural threat to their campuses: a cappella groups. Among other dangers, the report focuses on a cappella groups’ invasive tendencies, citing studies which…

Addazio To Miss Tonight’s Game Against Clemson After Buying Jersey Boys Tickets “Like Months Ago”

BOSTON OPERA HOUSE — It appears as if the Eagles Football team will be flying without the head of their flock for Friday’s big game against Clemson. Amidst the already daunting task of going up against the #3-ranked team and Heisman hopeful Deshaun Watson, head coach Steve Addazio held a last-minute press…

Dad Beats GPS’ Estimated Trip Time Driving To Campus, Reports Dad

CHESTNUT HILL — Beaming with pride as he exited his 2014 BMW, Gerard Fisher, father of student Jonathan Fisher (CSOM ’19) reported that he had managed to beat his car GPS’s estimated time of arrival by over 10 minutes. “The navigation system told me we’d be here by 2:13, but…

BC Administration Clarifies: ‘No, We’re Not Being Silent, We’re Just Ignoring You.’

GASSON HALL — In the wake of Thursday’s “Solidarity March” that inspired hundreds of students to speak out against the injustices committed against marginalized populations on their campus, administrators issued a statement on Thursday afternoon: “We see you, we hear you, and we just don’t care.” When a group of students of…

Freshman Rejected From Serving Others Dedicates Life To Evil

THE FORTRESS OF SERVITUDE — After a devastating rejection from 4Boston and being told that she’s “not good enough to help other people,” freshman Kelly Strickland (MCAS ‘20) has vowed to devote her life to evil, chaos, and devastation. She has reportedly assumed the supervillain alias “Miss Disservice” and plans…

With Wagner Game Tomorrow, Addazio Looking To Relive Glory Days As High School Bully

STATEN ISLAND, NY — As Boston College’s first home approaches tomorrow afternoon, no one is more eager for kickoff than the Eagles’ head coach Steve Addazio, Farmington High’s premiere bully from 1973-1977. After suffering what can only be described as a total embarrassment last week in a 49-0 loss to Virginia Tech,…

Student Shocked To Learn ‘They Didn’t Have Cell Phones Back Then, Class’

STOKES SOUTH — In an incident that would leave them speechless, students in the 1:00PM section of HIST1169 Atlantic Worlds were reportedly “shocked to the innermost part of their being” when their professor revealed that “they didn’t have cell phones back then.” The students’ mind-blowing paradigm shift was only compounded…

Overinvolved Sophomore Finally Busy Enough To Forget Crippling Loneliness

“Now I’m only sad right before I go to bed, and that’s only if I’m not too exhausted to fall asleep before I have time to reflect on how unhappy I am!”

Guy Who Just Said ‘And Also With You’ Clearly Hasn’t Done This In A While

O’Neill Plaza Church — While at Mass of the Holy Spirit, a tradition at the beginning of the school year for Jesuit high schools and universities throughout the world, junior Shane McCarthy (CSOM ’18) uttered the words “and also with you” in response to Father Leahy’s “peace be with you,”…

Freshman Gets Stuck in Labyrinth Behind Bapst

LINDEN LANE — Wandering through campus on a hot afternoon late last week, adventurous freshman Bobby McGallian (CSOM ‘20) found himself lost in the Memorial Labyrinth behind Bapst Library. Overwhelmed by the first week of college and the demands of his core classes, McGallian was looking to blow off steam…

Leahy Attends Student Involvement Fair: ‘This Is The Semester I Put Myself Out There’

It’s never too late to get involved!

Addazio Will Coach In Ireland Via Skype After Forgetting To Renew Passport

DUBLIN, IRELAND — After a record-breaking 0-8 record in the ACC last season, Boston College’s football team appears to be getting off to another rough start before even touching the field. Head coach Steve Addazio, somehow ignoring months of reminders from Brad Bates and the rest of the athletic department to…

BC Places 1% of Freshmen on Georgia State’s Newton Campus

NEWTON CAMPUS — It’s early August, and that means that first year housing assignments are now live! For the many freshmen who have been placed on Upper campus, this is a time for celebration—a computer system has randomly decided to make you cool. No, seriously, it’s as simple as that….

Freshman Totally Nails First Impression on Class of 2020 Facebook Page

THE FACE BOOK — Enjoying the lazy summer months leading up to move-in day, local Boston College freshman Jeb McFly has wasted no time in making a lasting impression on his fellow classmates. Jeb, a charming young prep school grad with an ironic bucket hat, has brought laughter and refreshing…

BC Orientation Takes New, More Realistic Approach

“We’ve redesigned Orientation to prepare students for the numerous disappointments that they inevitably will be forced to deal with by the end of their first semester.”

2150 Earnestly Hoping To Be Named After Old, Rich Donor Or Jesuit

COMM AVE — With summer quickly approaching and the fall semester on deck, the final touches are being put on Boston College RA’s newest hunting ground: the 2150 Commonwealth Avenue Residence Hall. Among other things, the state-of-the-art dormitory will feature a coffee bar, multiple bathrooms per suite, and terrific views…

Professor Brings Food On Last Day Of Class To Fatten Her Calves Before Slaughter

STOKES HALL — Wearing a devilish grin that only she knew the true meaning behind, English professor Sheila Brownstone brought three dozen donuts from Dunkin to her final Studies in Narrative class on Thursday at 10:30 AM. While her students think that Professor Brownstone is “just the sweetest,” others aren’t…

Insufferable Freshman Still Complaining About Living On Newton

DUCHESNE EAST (UGH, IT SUCKS)—The eye rolls in Stuart Dining Hall were audible late last week when Moe Vaughn was overheard complaining about living on Newton Campus. Although bitching about living on the satellite campus is a typical coming-of-age tradition for roughly 40% of the freshman class each year, most…

Temporary Outage in Gasson Lighting Causes BC to Plummet in College Rankings

LINDEN LANE —In an unexpected turn of events, U.S. News & World Report announced that Boston College has dropped 16 spots in its highly-regarded ranking of national universities. Although the Washington D.C.-based news outlet typically updates its list only once a year in September, U.S. News spokesperson Darby Trary has…

BC Athletics Downgrades ‘SuperFans’ to ‘OkayFans’

Consistent mediocrity appears to be SuperFan’s kryptonite.

Boston Strong: This Freshman Almost Threw Up, But Didn’t!

COMM. AVE — In a display of strength and resolve to rival that of Boston’s colonial freedom fighters, freshman Brock Barth (MCAS ’19) reportedly fought and conquered the urge to vomit while watching today’s marathon. Barth had woken up at 6:00 AM to begin “crushing” the 36 pack of Natural…

Senior Completes Arduous Marathon Monday Drinking Training Regimen

Tout predicts that the hardest stretch of his Monday afternoon will occur roughly around 20 beers into the drinking marathon, which is widely referred to as the infamous “Heart Failure Hill.”

The NEC Endorses An Autocratic Monarchy For UGBC Executive Presidency

FROM THE CLASSIC’S EDITORIAL BOARD: Like a potato reaching the apex of golden crispiness in an oven at a roasting 375ºF, the UGBC presidential campaign season is drawing near its end. After several contentious debates and extensive campaigning, the field has narrowed to only three teams, who have all faced…

Econ Major Is Basically In CSOM, Okay?

NOT FULTON — Sitting in Devlin 008 during Environmental Geoscience and updating his resume and LinkedIn profile while searching for summer internships on Wall Street, sophomore Devin Gattison (MCAS ‘18) firmly reminded himself that he’s basically in CSOM, okay? Gattison, who deeply regrets not applying to be in CSOM his…

BC Unveils New Motto: “Men And Women For Others Who Are Straight And Have Two Working Legs”

“BC is a university built on tradition, and that means we must resist all pressures to change with the times.”

Noble Students Embarking On Personal Service Trips Over Spring Break

LOGAN AIRPORT — With adulthood looming just around the corner, many of Boston College’s seniors plan to spend their Spring Breaks on “personal service trips” to Punta Cana. Sources confirm that seniors embark on these weeklong trips as a last-ditch effort to adhere to the traditional college experience. These heroic…

Juniors Desperately Praying To Live In Cramped Shithole

“I want to do terrible things inside that tiny domicile that I will not be able to get away with in the real world, when my JP Morgan internship inevitably turns into a full-time offer!”

Study: “Hot, Sweaty, and Awkward” BC’s Most Common Party Theme

MCGUINN HALL — A groundbreaking anthropology study released Sunday morning revealed that Boston College’s most commonly used party theme is “Hot, Sweaty, and Awkward.” This finding stunned researchers, who initially hypothesized that “Flannels and Handles” or “Plex Bros and Yoga Hoes” was the favorite party theme of undergraduate Eagles. “Our…

Dave’s Hometown Friend Visiting This Weekend Is “Like, Super Chill”

WALSH HALL — Sophomore Dave Mitzle (MCAS ’20) surprised his roommates earlier this week with the announcement that his best friend from high school, Nhat Welkim, will be visiting Boston College over the weekend. According to multiple unconfirmed reports, Dave took the time to repeatedly stress that his buddy is…

Student Unable to Hear God’s Voice Due to Noise-Canceling Headphones

GASSON HALL — After years of skating through theology requirements and morning prayers during his tedious Catholic education, Chett Hoffdoden, CSON ’17 finally experienced the miracle of divine intervention as God’s voice came from the heavens to talk to him. Unfortunately, Chett was unable to hear God’s message because he…

Student In Suit Must Be Important

BOSTON COLLEGE — Turning heads and sparking private hypotheses as to what exactly he was going to or coming from, junior Kyle Andersonian (CSOM ‘17) was spotted sporting a suit and tie early Wednesday morning by multiple trustworthy sources. Despite eyewitnesses’ not possessing any knowledge of Andersonian’s age, socioeconomic background,…

Catholic Priests Added to Endangered Species List

GLAND, SWITZERLAND — The International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) announced today that the Roman Catholic Priest (Romanos Catholicus sacerdos) has been added to the group’s list of endangered species. The organization cited lack of faith, startups, and sexual intercourse as the three chief causes for the rapid decline…

Student Sits In Different Seat Third Week Of Class, Disrupts Space-Time Continuum

STOKES 113S — Reportedly thinking that she was just going to casually change things up a bit, Allison Linus (MCAS ‘19) accidentally caused a catastrophic disruption to the space-time continuum Tuesday afternoon when she sat in a different seat than she had been sitting in during the first two weeks of…

Lazy Bastard Only Has One Major

Apparently unaware that it’s possible to have two majors and a minor, Ed Stillman (MCAS ‘17) reportedly only has one major—philosophy—and isn’t planning on adding another anytime soon. “We’re worried about poor Ed and his apparent apathy for his own well being,” said his friend Tommy Flapjacks (MCAS ‘17), who…

4Newton Founded To Help Affluent Locals In Need

“I’ve needed someone to cut my grass ever since my gardeners from El Salvador left to go visit their families after they were devastated by gang violence. Thanks, Obama!”

Senior Finally Receives Fake ID Ordered Freshman Year

Boston College senior Al Cohall (MCAS ‘16) celebrated this morning after his fake ID, which he ordered with old friends the second week of freshman year, finally arrived in the mail. Cohall, a native of Altoona, Pennsylvania, ordered the Connecticut driver’s license to be sent to his Keyes North room way…

After Raising $1.5 Billion, Leahy Still Waiting for a Couple Assholes to Venmo Him

ST. MARY’S HALL—Boston College made fundraising history this week with the completion of its “Light The World” campaign, successfully pulling in $1.5 billion dollars (a stunning 4% of Harvard’s endowment). Unfortunately, Fr. William P. Leahy, SJ is dissatisfied with the effort and reportedly still waiting for “a couple asshole benefactors”…

BC Installs Oil Rig As Symbol of Dedication To Fossil Fuel Investment

“A university is a business, and an expensive one at that. Drill, baby, drill!”

University Counseling Services Offering Thanksgiving Break-Up Hotline

GASSON HALL — Acutely aware that it’s a perilous time of year for many doe-eyed freshmen still clinging onto their long-distance relationships with high school sweethearts, Boston College’s University Counseling Services is offering a 24/7 hotline open from November 25th until November 29th for any first-year student that may suffer…

Students, Clocks Become One During 48 Hours

NEWPORT, RI — Nestled among the scenic shops and mansions of Newport, Rhode Island, freshmen and senior mentors recently spent 48 Hours becoming one with the passage of time. The two-day retreat opened with the first hour, reported students. Then the next few hours passed. Students noted they initially felt…

Notre Dame Struggling to Find Single-Sex Hotel in Boston

FENWAY — Ranked 5th in the country and boasting a 9-1 record, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish are having an outstanding football season. Most sportscasters have Notre Dame crushing the Boston College Eagles in their upcoming matchup on the hallowed grounds of Fenway Park. Unfortunately, the boys from South Bend…

Professor Alludes To Weekend In Hopes That Students Will Ask What He Did

FULTON HALL  — In an effort to connect with his students, Computers in Management professor Radnor Kirkwood started out his 10:30AM class a little differently Tuesday morning. Kirkwood, reportedly starting class at 10:31 to show his “relaxed and laid-back side,” began class with a question: “How was everyone’s weekend?” he…

Facebook Adds New Relationship Option For College Thing Stuck Helplessly Between Dating And Hooking Up

SILICON VALLEY — At a press conference earlier this afternoon, Mark Zuckerberg announced that Facebook would be “addressing the changing romantic needs of its valued collegiate users” by adding the options for college couples—sorry, didn’t mean to put a label on it—to select “College Thing Hopelessly Stuck Between Dating and Hooking…

BC To Implement Safe Space for Conservative Students

REAL AMERICA — Much to the dismay campus conservatives, “PC Culture” has been plaguing colleges across the country, most recently at Yale. This sea change in campus climate has brought tense discussions on privilege, race, gender, sexual preference and identity, and socioeconomic brackets to the forefront of the national media….

Addazio Successful In New Start as Marching Band Director

CHESTNUT HILL, MA – Though the Eagles lost on the football field today, new marching band director Steve Addazio is reportedly quite pleased with the band’s performance. Says Addazio, “I know we came out a little flat in the first half, but eventually we were able to regroup and pick…

Conspiracy Theorists Believe In Existence of Fr. Leahy

Chestnut Hill, MA — The United States has a long and proud history of conspiracy theories: Tupac is still alive. The government faked the 1969 Apollo moon landing. The IRS tells the truth. For Boston College Eagles, one recent conspiracy theory hits close to home: A group calling themselves W.A.F.F.L.E (We…

“Going off of that” Plagues Discussion-Based Courses

Heated academic discussions are found in classrooms throughout Boston College at any time of the day, but seemingly more so in history courses than anywhere else. The logic behind this basically assumes that nothing is more debatable in modern academics than historical facts.  With levels of confidence among students in…

Off-Campus Junior Without Meal Plan Attends Mass 3 Times a Day for Eucharist

Except for the majority of your friends that have their parents pay for fucking everything, Boston College students are no strangers to the burden of collegiate expenses. Nonetheless, living on the brink of starvation was not something Junior Mike Cassidy (MCAS ’17) had anticipated upon returning to Chestnut Hill this semester. Living among a shanty town of…

The 5 Types of People You Always Meet on the Newton Bus

Surprise! You’re a freshman on Newton! While the bus ride may be inconvenient, Newtonites love the freshmen-only dining in Stuart and the sense of community unknown to the bastards on Upper – according to your OL, at least. You’ll definitely appreciate it some day, right!?!? RIGHT!?! In the meantime, you…

Overeager Pre-Med Student Uses Ambulance Transport as Valuable Healthcare Networking Opportunity

Pre-Med Freshman Calvin O’Malley, both working hard and partying harder, enhanced his resume this weekend with a stimulating research opportunity in the back of a Fallon Ambulance located outside the Keyes North Basement. As he was covered with the white thermal sheet, visions of the white coat which will someday…

Finance Intern Literally Chained to Desk

Chad McBride (CSOM ’17), a summer intern at Goldman Sachs, has reportedly been literally chained to his desk at work. While it is not uncommon for finance interns to work insanely long and hard (hehe) hours six days a week, McBride’s being chained to a desk seems to be a…

The Definitive Guide to BC Freshmen Housing

Here at Boston College, freshmen housing random assigned by computers can have serious implications on your social life! Let us breakdown what your housing placement means: Upper Congratulations! If you are part of the 60% of the freshmen class that was selected to live on Boston College’s actual campus and…

Camp Counselors Swear They’re Gaining Relevant Resumé Experience

Sources close to several Boston College students working as camp counselors over the summer confirmed that these Eagle camp counselors all firmly believed that they were gaining “relevant” and “meaningful” experiences and skills in their summer work that would “directly translate to their jobs in the real world.” These same…

BC to Auction off Amy Poehler’s Rejected Alumni Event RSVPs

In an effort to fundraise for next year’s fresh grass, the Fr. Bill Feahy, SJ, invisible president of the university, has announced that Boston College will be auctioning off Amy Poehler’s (MCAS ‘93) rejected RSVPs to alumni fundraising events. In recent years the school has reached out to Poehler via…

Student Spontaneously Combusts After Playing Music Without Headphones in Library

Earlier this afternoon, Ann Fire (A&S ‘16) spontaneously combusted into a ball of flame and debris after she started to stream Hilary Duff’s “Coming Clean” on the fifth floor of O’Neill library without inserting her headphones first. Hoping to save the day, the Boston Fire Department rushed to the scene….

Lynch Sophomore Hoping for 4 Gold Stars on Final; Would Settle for 3

With an important final exam season quickly approaching, Kelly O’Connor (LSOE ‘17) is buckling down for the last stretch of her studies. O’Connor emphasized that her entire semester grades were riding on her Family, School, & Society final exam: If she averages 4 gold stars on her final, then she’s…

Science Major Loses Voice After Complaining About Workload

Biochemistry major Michael O’Malley (A&S ’18) completely lost his voice yesterday (or, as he called it, “contracted mild laryngitis”) after spending hours complaining to his friends about how hard it is to major in the sciences, especially biochemistry. O’Malley is no stranger to complaining about the massive textbooks and heavy workload…

Boston College RAs Now Checking IDs for Church Wine

In keeping with its mission to be one of the safest college campuses in the country, Boston College announced last week that it would begin having RAs card students attempting to receive communion at any on-campus mass. The proposal was initially brought forth by Sarah Loffeler, A&S ‘18, who serves…

BU Holds “Rejected Eagles Day”

As Boston College welcomes prospective members of the class of 2019 on campus today for Admitted Eagles Day, Boston University will be hosting its first-ever Rejected Eagles Day. “The Terriers are barking with excitement about our inaugural Rejected Eagles Day,” said Boston University president and L. Ron Hubbard doppelganger Robert…

Carney Hall Files Divorce Proceedings with Boston College

In a move long-expected since the completion of Stokes Hall in 2013, Carney Hall announced today its intent to go ahead with filing its divorce papers in the Middlesex County Divorce Court with Boston College, its partner in matrimony since 1963.  Citing only at first “irreconcilable differences,” later questioning from…

Boston College RAs Write Up Unsuspecting Neighbors in Cancun Hotel

Four friends, who happen to be Resident Advisors at Boston College, are spending their spring break at The Oasis Hotel in beautiful Cancun, Mexico. Though they welcome the hiatus from classes, they have promised not to let their vacation interfere with their duties as RAs. These heroes have taken it…

Students Go Rogue In Search Of “The Kirkwood Tickler”

After a semester with minimal incidents of the “Kirkwood Tickler” breaking and entering into off-campus homes, doubts are arising among Chestnut Hill residents that such a fiend actually exists. Because of this, a group of Boston College students gained school funding over winter break to begin their own Private Investigation…

Odd-numbered Friend Group Struggles to Complete 8-man

As the housing lottery quickly approaches, the anxiety of freshmen across campus has spiked. Freshmen have the option of several housing arrangements on Lower Campus, namely the coveted 8-mans of Vanderslice Hall, 90 St. Thomas More, and Walsh Hall.  These palaces of debauchery and sweat represent the epitome of BC…

Fr. Bill Leahy, SJ: “I’m the most badass president in Boston”

“We’re having school today, and I’m fucking amped about it. A little snow never hurt anyone.”

BC Volunteer Organizations Strive for Top High School Recruits on National Signing Day

With National Signing Day season upon high school athletes everywhere, much of the usual will be going on in the so-called “War Rooms” of the Boston College Athletic Department: BC Football will be looking for someone who can make an extra point, BC hockey will be looking for some offensive…

Athlete Loses Backpack in Snow, Again

“God dammit, not again,” said baseball player and A&S ’16 communications major Alexander O’Neill while on his knees digging through the snow near Edmonds Hall, looking for his white backpack. “I swear I put it down here somewhere.” “I just put it down for like one minute, and then, all…

BC Women’s Hockey to Join Football Team; Jumps to #1 in AP Preseason Poll

In a move that shocks the #BeADude Movement, the undefeated Women’s hockey team has announced a merger into the BC Eagles football team for the upcoming 2015 Season. A spokesperson for the women’s team stated that they were “Tired of destroying everyone” and “Needed a new challenge to keep them conditioned…

Students Agree: No Reason To Get Out Of Bed

On this brisk, glorious Sunday morning, Boston College students across campus have posed an important question: “why should we get out of bed?”. After brief discussion, all individuals have unanimously agreed that every moment spent out of the bed today will be “pretty pointless.” “Why should we get out of…

Letter of Condolences to the Victims and their Families at Charlie Hebdo

As fellow satirical writers, is not often that we take a moment and look at the world seriously, but in light of the events today, we felt obligated to address the horrific tragedy that occurred today in Paris.  We at The New England Classic would just like to send out…

Boston College Dummies’ Guide: Understanding Greek Life Terms

Winter break is a wonderful time for college students everywhere to meet up with old friends from back home. While you and your high school pals are catching up and sharing crazy stories over some ice-cold, refreshing bottles of Bud Light Platinum™, you might feel confused and alienated when they…

BCPD Stops Alleged “Die-In” Protest at 3:47am in Bapst

157 Boston College students are under investigation for staging a die-in protest in Bapst Library. Boston College, which recently punished students for harmlessly laying down and practicing their right to protest in St. Mary’s, has been on red alert lately. “We’re really keeping a vigilant eye out for inappropriate protests…

Cool RA Fears He’s “In Too Deep”

Now being several months into the school year, students across campus are finally settling into standard routines in their daily lives, including blowing entire meal plans on F’Reals in the span of a week and chilling with the “cool RAs.”  Ben Novak, self-proclaimed “Cool Ra,” fears that his coolness may…

Freshmen Use Generic Names for New Friends When Memory Fails

Citing their frustration at having to learn the different names of so many people, Boston College freshmen have resolved to call every one of their new friends either Dan or Madison, depending on gender. “It became clear to me within the first week here that learning all these names was…

Sandwich Bursts Into 21st Century

“It’s incredible!” yelled one student. “Holy shit! It looks so good!” praised another. “Thenepaper.com is so fresh, yo! 10/10 would bang!” yaked a freshman. “Wassup, bitches!?” said The Sandwich, spokesman for The New England Classic. “I have arrived!” At 5:09 PM on Tuesday, September 23rd, 2014, The New England Classic…