Addazio Left Home Alone, May Miss First Responder Bowl
YAWKEY ATHLETICS CENTER — Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio may miss this Wednesday’s matchup against Boise State at the First Responder Bowl in Dallas after being left home alone by the team. The head coach’s absence from the team comes at “a very unfortunate time” for the Eagles, as the upcoming game serves as Addazio’s final chance in the 2018 season to get over the seven-win hump — something that has eluded him throughout his tenure in Chestnut Hill.
“Our flight was set to take off early the next morning, so we all had dinner together as a team the night before in the Murray Function Room,” said Addazio. “Then, in the middle of dinner, I got into a huge argument with [deputy head coach] Scot Loeffler over his decision to leave to become the new head coach of Bowling Green next season. It got so heated that [Director of Athletics Martin] Jarmond had to break it up and send me to my office for the rest of the night. That’s when I told him I wished the team would disappear.”
Despite being a 59-year-old man, Addazio seemingly failed to grasp the concept that the team simply mistakenly left for Logan Airport without him, and instead insisted to reporters he “made his team disappear,” before pivoting his head to look directly into a photographer’s camera and emphatically repeating his prior claim that he “made his team disappear.”
Upon realizing they left Addazio behind only after they were well on their way to Dallas, many team members were reportedly distraught. Some were worried his potential absence from the bowl game would negatively affect the team’s performance, while most were concerned the head coach wouldn’t be able to survive a few days on his own without supervision.
“I can’t believe we left our head coach at home. What kind of athletic director am I?” said Martin Jarmond. “I’ll have to find a way to get him here for kickoff if it’s the last thing I do.”
Others seemed less distressed: “The little trout can use a couple of days in the real world,” said defensive end Wyatt Ray (LSOE ’19). “Coach Addazio can’t tie his shoes without asking one of us to remind him which way the loop has to go. That’s why a couple teammates and I all pitched in to get him a pair of Velcro sneakers for Christmas. Having to fend for himself for a few days can only do him some good.”
“Making my team disappear has been great,” Addazio said. “I’ve eaten nothing but ice cream for dinner, watched a bunch of movies that I’m usually not allowed to watch, jumped up and down on my bed, and stayed up way later than I’m usually allowed to. I might even teach myself how to do laundry.”
At press time, Addazio was seen creating a plan to stop two off-campus burglars from robbing Alumni Stadium.