Confused Addazio Evacuates Chestnut Hill Due To Incoming Hurricanes, May Miss Miami Game

ALUMNI STADIUM — Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio may miss the team’s Friday night matchup against the University of Miami after Addazio reportedly evacuated Chestnut Hill late Thursday evening, due to what he described as “serious concerns over incoming hurricanes.” While the only hurricanes making their way to Chestnut Hill this weekend are the players of the University of Miami football team, Addazio seemingly failed to grasp this concept.

“All week long [deputy head coach] Scot Loeffler has been talking to the team about how ‘the Hurricanes are coming this Friday night and are going to be fired up,’ and how ‘it’s going to take all we’ve got to stop them.’ First of all, you can’t stop a hurricane. All you can do is get the heck out of town,” Addazio told the Classic.

“I saw a hurricane on the news once, and let me tell you, those things are pretty darn wet. And I have zero interest in getting wet. One time I accidentally stepped in a big puddle outside Alumni, and my socks were damp for, like, four days — and walking around with damps is not something I want to have to go through again.”

Players and coaches alike are reporting disbelief of Addazio’s confusion, and have recently been eager to express their frustrations with the coach. “This is getting ridiculous,” said defensive back Hamp Cheevers (LSOE ‘20). “Coach Addazio gets confused pretty often, but he’s really taken it to a different level this time. I just hope he figures it out and is on the sideline by kickoff.”

At press time, Addazio was seen at a local convenience store, stocking up on what he deemed “essentials to ride out the storm,” including four cases of bottled water and every season of Full House on Blu-ray.

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