Sir Steve Addazio’s Army on Eight-War Losing Streak
Addazio April 1, 2017 The New England Classic
ALUMNI CASTLE — The maroon and gold-striped white flag has finally been raised; Sir Steve Addazio’s four-year war against the Kingdom of Forrest’s Wake is over at long last. This marks Sir Steve’s eighth straight military loss in the past three decades (not including his many victories against non-European Atlantic Coast Conference kingdoms), and many high-ranking nobles are now starting to call for the head of the Archdude of Chestnut Hill.
Cries of “Set fire to Addazio!” and “Put him in the burlap sack!” can be heard all around the kingdom, and Sir Steve has made himself scarce around the royal court in the days following his shameful return. Many of the kingdom’s SuperSubjects (the innermost circle of rich nobles who can afford to wear shirts made of gold and go watch battles in the warmer months) are issuing public grievances to War Magistrate Sir Bradley Bates, lamenting his poor decision to appoint Archduke Addazio to the seat of Head General of His Majesty’s Gilded Eagles nearly four decades ago.
“The King and I are well aware of Sir Steve’s less-than-spectacular battle record, but we can’t abandon him and the grand vision he has for our army,” said Magistrate Bates in a recently published royal edict. “I understand that losing wars is never fun, and that many of your spouses and children have been kidnapped and murdered time and time again, but St. Ignatius himself has assured me that the Lord has a tremendous vision for our great kingdom. Have some patience people, and please stop shooting flaming arrows at my castle wall. Please.”
While many of the Gilded Eagles did fight rather valiantly, the army was ultimately doomed by lackluster offensive efforts, poor archer accuracy, and bad clock management. “Honestly, we didn’t really know what to do when we got onto the battlefield most days; no formations, no nuthin’,” explained one veteran of the front lines. “We waited hours on end for the general to issue a single command, but he just kept shouting ‘Tis but gentlemen being-eth dudes!’ Like, I’m sorry My Liege, but what in the world is that supposed to mean?”
As per the terms of defeat, the Kingdom of Forrest’s Wake is seizing 300 acres of land near the southern border, and will be assessing a tax on the King’s royal coffers at a later date. As many peasants had feared, recent tavern rumors suggest that the Earl of Clemson is only months away from declaring war against the Kingdom of Chestnut Hill, and Sir Steve has been spotted poring over war maps, readying his forces for another prolonged conflict.
At scribe time, the Archdude was seen passionately shouting at the many overgrown Vines on the castle’s eastern wall, apparently in an effort to recruit a new wave of forces for his upcoming “Dudesade.”
