Coach Addazio Takes 11 Tries To Tie Shoes, Accidentally Kneels For National Anthem
WINSTON SALEM, NORTH CAROLINA — Football fans were outraged this Thursday as head coach of Boston College’s program Steve Addazio appeared to kneel for the National Anthem, joining Colin Kaepernick and other NFL players in silent protest of America’s institutional racism. However, this incident was reportedly not a statement of solidarity with the NFL’s black athletes, but rather a misunderstanding as Coach Addazio took 11 tries, spanning over three and a half minutes, to tie his left shoe.
“The first couple tries, I went with the loop and swoop technique,” reported Coach Addazio at the post-game press conference. “It quickly became clear that game plan wasn’t going to work, so I had to totally start over and switch to bunny ears. I just don’t get how people tie such tiny strings with such big fingers!”
Athletic Director Martin Jarmond expressed his support for Addazio’s pregame actions: “It was clearly an accident. I trust Coach, and if he says that he was not supporting the silent protest against racism alongside America’s black athletes, then I believe him. Unless he later retracts and decides that his actions were on purpose, in which case I would also support his decision to stand with Colin Kaepernick.”
At press time, Addazio was seen at a Sears department store asking a sales associate for a pair of size 13 Velcro shoes.