Addazio To Miss Fenway Game Due To Fear Of Green Monster
FENWAY PARK — Stating that they always knew this was a possibility, sources within BC Athletics report that head coach Steve Addazio is expected to miss this weekend’s football game against UConn due to his immense phobia of the “Green Monster.” While ardent Boston sports fans may know that the Green Monster refers to the left field wall at Fenway Park, it appears Addazio remains confused as to the true nature of the stadium’s architectural mascot.
“Someone asked me if I could get them seats near the Monster, and I was like… WHAT?” the coach explained to reporters. “Monsters are bad news, dudes. I should know, I’ve seen Gremlins, like, 10 times.”
Members of the team have expressed exasperation over the Head Dude’s paranoia, with one player alleging that Addazio has called him in the middle of the night three times this week after having nightmares. “It’s bad enough he makes BCPD check the locker room for boogeymen before every practice—this is really getting out of hand.”
Athletic Director Martin Jarmond expressed his full support for Addazio’s decision to miss the game. “If it keeps him from climbing into my bed after another bout of night terrors, it’s all good in my book.”
The ‘Daz will reportedly be spending the evening streaming the game on his Microsoft Surface Pro in the Fitz 1 lounge, staying safe and cracking some brewskis with the RAs.
At press time, Addazio was spotted smashing his complete VHS tape collection of Sesame Street with a sledgehammer, shouting “Not today, Oscar!”