Addazio Trampled While Black Friday Shopping At Bed Bath & Beyond
CHESTNUT HILL MALL — Tragedy struck in the wee hours of Friday morning, as Boston College Head Coach Steve Addazio has been taken to the hospital after being trampled at a local Bed Bath & Beyond in a fit of Black Friday-induced violence. Addazio had been camping outside the retail store since early Thursday evening, upon the conclusion of the annual Addazio Family Thanksgiving DudeFeast. The mustachioed bargain hunter entered the line of Bed Bath & Beyond at approximately 7:30PM in preparation of a midnight door opening, and he proudly reported that his prime third-in-line position was “the perfect setup for a shot at some great deals.”
However, this ideal location worked against the inexperienced doorbuster. Once the store opened, Addazio quickly became overwhelmed over by the numerous Newton-area housewives looking for steep discounts. The former college lineman was forcefully knocked over, and soon became victim to the numerous bootheels of the vicious group of shoppers. “One second I was waiting patiently for the hot deals on my beloved Berkshire velvet loft blankets, and the next thing I knew I was laid out on my ass completely, as if I had just tried running the ball up the middle of Alumni Stadium on first and ten,” the frugal footballer stated. The resulting injuries have forced Addazio to seek medical attention at St. Elizabeth’s Medical Center in Brighton, where he is currently being held in critical condition.
In case there was any uncertainty, Addazio has since clarified that he will not be traveling to Wake Forest for Saturday’s final game of the regular season. “I have 8 million left on my contract and we’re going to a bowl game, I could stay in this bed for the next four years, and I’ll still be head coach,” the often-absent sportsman explained.
At press time, Addazio had just disclosed the rest of his Black Friday personal shopping list, which includes a 3.5 quart programmable Crock-Pot® brand slow cooker, and a pearl blue Nintendo Gameboy Advance SP.