With Wagner Game Tomorrow, Addazio Looking To Relive Glory Days As High School Bully
STATEN ISLAND, NY — As Boston College’s first home approaches tomorrow afternoon, no one is more eager for kickoff than the Eagles’ head coach Steve Addazio, Farmington High’s premiere bully from 1973-1977. After suffering what can only be described as a total embarrassment last week in a 49-0 loss to Virginia Tech, Addazio has reportedly been sleeping in his letterman’s jacket and is chomping at the bit to “go out there and give those little fuckin’ nerds from Wagner the ass-whooping they deserve.”
“He has the strongest fire in his eyes that I’ve seen since hiring him,” remarked Athletic Director Brad Bates. “Steve hasn’t been too happy lately because his football team is the laughingstock of the ACC, but a lot of us in Athletics thought letting him beat up a scrawny little FCS team would bring a smile to his face and remind him of the good old days of stealing freshmen’s lunch money and pantsing his lab partners. We believe in Steve’s therapy-by-bullying so much that we’re actually paying Wagner around $400,000 to play us! Talk about putting your money where your mouth is.”
Sources close to Addazio report that his mustache has grown a bunch in the past week, and assistant coach Frank Leonard has an explanation: “The mustache is Steve’s bullying power source,” said Leonard. “Every time we beat some pathetic team from a program somehow worse than ours, it grows just a little bit. A lot of people don’t know that. Casual Boston College fans think that his facial hair is just an aesthetic choice, but it’s so much more than that.” For the dozens of intoxicated Superfans expected to turn out for Saturday’s game, a win against Wagner (a small liberal arts school with only 2,200 students) probably won’t even feel like much of a victory. But for Steve Addazio, it means everything: keeping his job for another week, coming closer to being able to taste his facial hair at all times, and reminding himself that no one messes with “Big Steve-O” without getting a wedgie after fourth period.
When asked to comment on how he was preparing for the game, Addazio simply muttered, “It’s every dude for himself, you know? Wagner’s gotta know that the big dogs are gonna get the meat!” before chuckling and returning to the locker room to go over proper swirly technique with his team.