“Eat, Drink, Talk, Kink”: Lower Unveils BDSM-Themed Valentine’s Menu

KINKERAN COMMONS — Going against hundreds of years of rigid Church doctrine, Boston College Dining Services cooked up some controversy on Tuesday morning by announcing a special menu for Valentine’s Day. Catering to the most heathenous members of the BC community, the aptly named “Eat, Drink, Talk, Kink” program will be serving up sinfully delectable morsels at Lower Live all night long. Featured menu items are set to include Steak and Cheese strap-ons, burrito buttplugs, salami whips, and handcuff-shaped pastries.

“We just wanted to do something nice for our students on this special day, regardless of their current relationship status or burning sexual desires,” explained BC Dining manager Donnie Mattricks. “Besides, we already make our employees show up to work in form-fitting all-black outfits, so adding a few ball gags into the mix wasn’t really much of a stretch.”

News of the dirty dining event appears to have elicited mixed reactions among the BC student body. “Don’t get me wrong, I love skintight black leather as much as the next guy,” reasoned one Walsh Hall resident, who asked to remain anonymous. “But I’m pretty sure I draw the line at chipotle mayo-flavored lube.” Sophomore Vick Brator (MCAS ’19) had a much more positive impression of the themed night, hoping that Lower’s notoriously long lines might be the perfect setup for “a wicked sick orgy.”

At press time, Lower Live’s upstairs counterpart had decided to get in on the action, temporarily rebranding itself as “The Loft @ Daddie’s.”

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