Professor Spent Snow Day Worrying About Students Fucking
CHESTNUT HILL, MA — Driven by the thought of all the opportunities kids were having to copulate, Professor Harry Bonin spent most of his day off on Tuesday in a state of complete distraction. The elderly philosophy professor, who has long taken a firm stance against college hookup cultures, remained in an armchair for most of the snow day while anxiously pondering aloud.
“Their poor jumbled, confused lives… no dating… just sex…” he rambled on several occasions throughout the morning. Shortly before noon, Bonin was further agitated by the realization that “these poor kids will have no idea what it’s like to really get to know someone.” He went on to clarify that when he was in college, you would have to be going steady with a girl for at least a month before you could even consider “getting handsy.”
Bonin estimated that at any given moment there were approximately 150 pairs of students furiously bumping uglies in the winter bombogenesis while losing all sense of what it means to truly care for another person. “If the wild fornication continues at this rate, the Chestnut Hill coffee shops could go out of a business in a matter of weeks,” he lamented.
Going deeper into his personal worldview, Bonin explained that in his opinion, kids these days are just fucking way too much. “If we don’t teach our students how to restrain from indulging their carnal urges, how will we ever keep the world the way it was 40 years ago?” The problem, as he sees it, is that the world is changing in ways he doesn’t like. “All of these changes make me uncomfortable—people should live their lives how I lived mine. I turned out alright, didn’t I?”
The Boston College community’s reaction to the professor’s concerns have been mixed. Local coffee and ice cream shops have rallied behind his complaints, urging young people to go on more dates. “Really, we don’t care all that much about the sex though,” reported the Comm Ave. Dunkin Donuts manager, “just the dating thing.”
When asked, students responded favorably to the concepts of both coffee dates and vigorously making love to one another, but many failed to see the connection between the two. “Yeah, dates are good… But then again, so is sex. I guess I’m of two minds,” explained one sophomore.
At press time, the world continued to leave Professor Bonin behind.