March Madness: Roommate Has Stage 3 Syphilis
WALSH HALL — Spring fever took on a whole new meaning Sunday when Michael Lennon (CSOM ’23) was diagnosed with tertiary syphilis by University Health Services. The news came after weeks of erratic behavior by Lennon that concerned his friends and peers.
Lennon initially disregarded his symptoms, writing off any pain or itching as just “the price of being a sex god.” Such prowess is what led Lennon to riskier and riskier sexual encounters, culminating in a weeklong tour through the east coast’s least-savory brothels over winter break. This “Red Light Romp” is likely where Lennon contracted his advanced STD.
“I never imagined all my fucking and sucking would come back to haunt me,” Lennon told The Classic on Monday. “We didn’t have the best sex-ed in high school, and besides, wrapping up just ruins the magic!” Lennon went on to characterize the situation as having “totally fucked vibes,” though he maintained his risky sexcapades were “dumb litty, bro.”
Roommates had been suspicious of Lennon’s deteriorating condition for several weeks. “Mike’s always been a bit crazy,” reported Jack Clapper (MCAS ’23), “but that used to mean doing tequila shots on a Tuesday afternoon. Nowadays, we find him singing the VeggieTales theme song at 3 AM or walking into the kitchen table in a fit of sudden blindness.”
At press time, Lennon was seen fervently swiping through Tinder while attempting to put a condom on a banana.