Polyamorous Student Is Thrilled You Are Looking For An 8th

UPSIDE DOWN PINEAPPLE — Freshmen, yearning for a common room and non-communal bathroom, are looking for their perfect eight-man. Across campus and Fizz, these students are desperately searching for the final piece to their puzzle. However, at a roommate meet and greet last night, Polly A. Morris (MCAS ‘28) realized she had misunderstood the true meaning of “Eight-Man.”

The New England Classic’s reporters interviewed people who had matched with Polly in “Roommate Bingo” Monday night at the O’Connell House.

“She kept winking and talking about how much she loved ‘pineapple upside down cake,’” said MCAS freshman Connie Mitment (CSOM ‘28). “Then, she said she was really excited to make a ‘mega-mega-mega bed’ in the common room.” Connie, far removed from the poly-am world, thought she was a freak, but couldn’t begin to imagine just how freaky Polly really was.

Another student, Polina Cureíos (CSON ‘28), was visibly less disturbed by Morris’s comments during the event. “I mean, it seemed like Polly just wanted to create a really close relationship with her future roommates which is awesome,” Cureíos told the Classic. “She kept talking about forming a commune, far from the ‘social confinements of modern society,’” she continued. “I love animals so I would totally join!”

The Classic caught up with the ethical non-monogamist on her way out (sporting zero offers to join an octad). Firstly, the Classic can confirm that all people in an open relationship do look like that. Secondly, Polly offered some insight into her experience as a poly-moresome at BC. “The feeble, monogamist brain needs to open itself to all types of love and pleasure,” she continued “I hope one day polyamorous people can feel safe on this campus.”

Polly expressed she is still urgently looking for her “fantasy” seven-man that will fulfill all her needs. “Tell your readers to put a little pineapple emoji in the comments, I’ll know what they mean.”

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