BCPD Declares War On Fun
Campus CultureSports September 30, 2026 The New England Classic
BCPD HQ — Following a rather dismal family weekend, marked by bad weather and even worse football, BCPD has announced a formal “War on Fun.” The impetus of this declaration was the success of previous operations, including the “2026 Mar Mon Mitigation” and, more recently, the “Comm. Ave. Garage Blockade.”
“Students are simply enjoying themselves too much,” said BCPD Chief Happ E. Nesshater, during a recent press conference. “That’s why we are announcing our War on Fun. It is important to the Jesuit values of this institution that all student tomfoolery, lollygagging, horsin’ around, monkey business, dilly-dallying, and shenanigans be crushed under the righteous boot of justice.”
Chief Nesshater proceeded to explain that they would be amplifying their efforts to strike down fun around campus, starting with the Mods. Nesshater has openly accused the community of harboring WMDs, or weapons of mass distraction, such as decorations, games, alcohol, or the intangible essence of friendship.
This particular operation has begun with the deployment of a number of harsh tactics, including performing the stop and frisk protocol on any student who dares to smile. BCPD has further committed to reinforcing their anti-fun barricades. The bridge between O’Neill and the parking garage is being turned into a draw-bridge, and the area surrounding the garage is set to be made into a crocodile-filled moat.
The student body has expressed their disapproval of this Debby Downer Dictatorship. One student stated: “I just wanted my parents to enjoy my roommate’s tailgate on floor 3 [of the Comm. Ave. Garage]. Instead, BCPD pepper sprayed my dad and dropkicked my mom when they tried to re-enter the garage after using the bathroom.”
In reaction to this effort, parent Facebook groups have exploded with statements from parents wishing their student had just gone to the state school that they recommended.
At press time, snipers, armed with tranquilizer darts, were seen peering off the top of Gasson Hall, prepared to silence any student who laughs.
