Tough Guy Still Wearing Shorts
WALSH HALL — After a grueling process of deliberation, the coveted honor of “Toughest Guy on Campus” was unanimously awarded to local student Hunter McGlintey (CSOM ‘20), who has continued to wear shorts into the frigid 40 degree temperatures of recent weeks.
In a recent interview outside of his Walsh 8-man suite, McGlintey confirmed to press that he does, in fact, house a massive penis in his Nike basketball shorts; which have been repeatedly plucked from the “dirty” pile and reworn after cursory sniff tests.
“The title is well-deserved” claimed McGlintey, as he shivered in the unforgiving chill of Lower campus. “I’m a very tough dude, probably the hardest guy you’ll ever meet. I just don’t even feel the cold anymore because my giant dick keeps me warm. Blood flow to my bottom half and all that.”
However, a number of unverified sources have noted seeing McGlintey walking around campus with goosebumps and purple legs from the cold. One student claims she saw Hunter longingly staring at a pair of baggy grey sweatpants covering what must surely be an inadequate penis.
Members of McGlintey’s 8-man dismissed these reports as the envious lies of jealous male peers and insisted that they had all been witness to Hunter’s strength and assured manliness, all symptoms of having a massive wang.
“Look at the guy” they demanded, “he’s still wearing shorts and it’s 21 degrees with windchill! He’s either a total badass or he must be packing heat of his own.”
While press looked on, the men of Walsh carried in Hunter’s trophy, inscribed with the powerful words: “This guy fucks.”