Chad McBride (CSOM ’17), a summer intern at Goldman Sachs, has reportedly been literally chained to his desk at work. While it is not uncommon for finance interns to work insanely long and hard (hehe) hours six days a week, McBride’s being chained to a desk seems to be a first for any intern, according to Wall Street historians. Goldman Sachs allegedly sees a lot of promise in the young McBride, and by chaining him to a desk they are “subjecting him to the downright shittiness of the corporate world” and “seeing if he has the balls to make that dank cash money, son.”
Sources close to McBride* report that when he arrives to Goldman’s New York office at 7:00AM, his superiors immediately strap a chain to his leg, and this chain doesn’t come off until 2:00AM. Goldman spokespeople claim that this five-hour period gives McBride “bountiful time to rest his eyes and recuperate for the day ahead.” Sources also claim that McBride is brought lukewarm beans and rice for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and partners at the firm have placed a doggy bowl of water next to his desk. Goldman is also providing adult diapers for McBride.
“I know the conditions sound rough, but this is what Chad wants out of his career,” said McBride’s mother, Sandra. “My little Chad wants to sell his soul to the banks, work his ass off for ten or twelve years, bring in that sweet commission money, and retire early to the Hamptons or Hawaii. This internship and chain are just the first step towards a long, successful career. I’m sure when he’s chained to his desk and he doesn’t want to work anymore and has a gooey shit in his Depends adult diaper, he just thinks of making more money than God intended any mortal to make and sitting in an office with a beautiful view of the Manhattan skyline.”
At press time, the hot intern with the desk next to McBride was wondering if he would be down to use the chains for some “50 Shades of Gray stuff.”
*McBride was unavailable for comment, because he’s chained to his desk and currently working on an Excel spreadsheet.