The New England Classic
Biology Department Engineers Next Generation Of Orientation Leader

Biology Department Engineers Next Generation Of Orientation Leader

Student Life March 30, 2017 The New England Classic

HIGGINS HALL — Speaking at a crowded press conference this afternoon, Boston College biology professor Elizabeth Ryan proudly unveiled the latest generation of Orientation... Biology Department Engineers Next Generation Of Orientation Leader

HIGGINS HALL — Speaking at a crowded press conference this afternoon, Boston College biology professor Elizabeth Ryan proudly unveiled the latest generation of Orientation Leader, which she and her team of world-class scientists spent the greater part of the last year genetically engineering.

“The 2017 edition is by far the most powerful breed we’ve ever engineered,” claimed a confident Ryan, noting that her team’s use of the controversial CRISPR/Cas genome editing technique allowed for the creation of a perfectly diverse batch of Orientation Leaders who, among other things, can remember up to 750 names and hometowns and stay consistently extroverted and enthusiastic for 72 hours without sleep, food, or drink.

Ryan, a tenured professor and ex-military scientist, emphasized the importance of collaboration in the process of creating an Orientation Leader. “The team worked long, hard, and thankless hours this year, allowing us to make some major scientific breakthroughs. In our previous generations of Orientation Leader, there were always a couple Leaders who didn’t turn out quite as good as the rest. Some wouldn’t have heart-wrenching stories about their difficult path to eventually finding their place and loving Boston College, others hadn’t been Point Guards on 48HOURS, and some were ugly—if you can believe that.”

These shortcomings are a thing of the past, according to Ryan, who promised that from this year forward, every Orientation Leader will grace the Office of First Year Experience with its ability to whip up genuine conversation at a moment’s notice, impress first-year students’ mothers, and give off the overall feel of young, supple Catholics—whether or not they are actually members of the religion.

Moreover, reports Ryan, the 2017 model of Orientation Leader has the power to sustain a dodgeball to the face at speeds up to 200 miles per hour, can write a ten-page paper on servant leadership in less than two hours, and constantly brags to its friends about how it feels like a celebrity walking through Mac at lunch. 

Despite all these positive steps forward in the engineering process, Ryan admits there are still a couple of flaws she and her team hope to fix in their Leaders for the 2018 model. “For reasons currently unknown to us, our creations feel uncomfortable without their kind and only seem to want to hangout together, and they all make-out with each other all the time. If we could find the source of these problems, we will work endlessly to curb these two behaviors and continue our quest toward the creation of the perfect Orientation Leader.”

At press time, the 2017 models of Orientation Leaders were all rabidly knocking on a Stokes office door with a “Apply To Be An Arrupe Leader Today!” poster attached.