Underground Frat Charged With Distribution To Miners
STRATHMORE ROAD — Boston College officials issued a citation to the campus’s notorious “underground” fraternity on Saturday following the shocking discovery that they had been providing alcohol to miners.
According to an official statement from BCPD, officers became suspicious when they noticed a group of individuals dressed in salmon shorts walking into a creaky, wooden elevator with racks of Natural Light.
“What tipped me off was the mining helmets,” said one officer. “They really clashed with the brightly patterned short sleeve button-ups, so I immediately knew something was up.”
Upon entering the mineshaft for themselves, officers witnessed several brothers shotgunning beers with middle aged men in orange jumpsuits. All miners were immediately escorted from the premises.
In the ensuing report, BCPD officers admitted they were impressed with the fraternity’s setup, which included a Bud Light neon sign, a “Saturdays Are For The Boys” flag, and an intricate complex of interwoven minecart tracks designed to expedite mineral extraction.
Members of the underground frat announced that they are planning to fight the citation. Dustin Tanner (CSOM ’18), spokesperson for the fraternity, said that he would defend the rights of miners to “crack open a coal one.”
This incident comes at a time when Boston College drinking regulations are under heavy scrutiny. While some argue that miners lack the ability to make healthy, autonomous decisions, many agree that if you can handle dynamite, you can probably handle some beers—and miners across campus are letting their voices be heard.
Chestnut Hill resident and grizzled prospector Ricky Stone (BU ’77) spoke out against the university’s drinking policy, saying “Seems to me that I should be able to knock back a Rolling Rock while I… you know—roll rocks around…”
At press time, the Office of the Dean of Students indicated that they would stand by the charges, and reassured students and faculty that they will crack down on binge drinking as long as it continues to take place in the rugged underbelly of the Strathmore Coal Mines.