Social Degenerate Sits Down 2 Seats Away From Strangers In The Rat
LYONS HALL — Mass hysteria broke out in The Rat last Thursday afternoon when Reggie Euler (MCAS ‘20) paid for his meal, grabbed a few napkins, and proceeded to sit down at the empty corner of an otherwise occupied table. Apparently oblivious to clearly established social norms, Euler then boldly set down his cup of mac and cheese, further cementing himself as a long-term occupant of the dining hall table.
This unprovoked action understandably frightened Gabby Blathers (LSOE ‘17) and her friend Tiffany, who who had been peacefully enjoying their lunchtime chitchat two seats to the left of where Euler issued his declaration of social deviance.
“At first I was scared for my life, if I’m being completely honest,” Blathers explained. “I knew something was wrong with him as soon as I saw that he was eating alone. I mean, what kind of sociopath would enter The Rat—widely known as the social and cultural mecca of Boston College—without plans to meet up and gossip with a friend or four?”
Blathers paused for a moment, recomposing herself from her clearly distressed state. “What really set me over the edge was when he just plopped his stuff down at the corner of my table, and just started eating his food in silence while scrolling through his phone. Like honestly, who the fuck does that?”
Although the chaos was at first contained between the two rightful occupants of Blathers’s table, news of Euler’s radical demonstration quickly spread through the rest of the subterranean dining hall. Many concerned students took out their phones and punched in the first two digits of 9-1-1, preparing themselves for a potential hostage situation.
In one especially tense moment, Euler broke out into hysterical laughter, but later reports revealed that he was simply laughing at a silly dog video on his Facebook feed. Luckily, the sit-in was resolved when Euler stood up, pushed in his chair, and headed towards the exit, all the while muttering to himself “I sure do love mac and cheese.” *
At press time, Euler was seen walking into the men’s bathroom, taking a confident stance at a urinal immediately adjacent to a noticeably distressed student.
* Correction: March 1, 2017
An earlier version of this article mistakenly quoted Reggie Euler as saying “I sure do hate men, women, and babies.” The quote has since been corrected to reflect Euler’s fondness for the objectively sub-par macaroni and cheese that is served at The Rat.