Old Dude In Rat Really Going In On Hot Dog
WELCH DINING ROOM — Some fuckin’ old dude was seen absolutely demolishing a hot dog while sitting alone in the Rat Wednesday, eyewitnesses report. Several accounts alleged that the elderly fiend was actually on his second one of the day, too.
“Holy shit, that dude was insane,” said Pat Rack (CSOM ‘20), who observed the entire scene from just a few tables away. “No ketchup, no mustard, nothing. Just a bun, a paper plate, and pure, raw animalism.”
The elder reportedly held up the line during Rat rush hour while trying to pay for his precooked meat tube with a check despite the posted sign that explicitly stated that only Eagle ID’s and credit cards were accepted at his register.
“Who should I make this out to, dearie?” asked the unidentified geriatric, his wrinkled old hand reaching into the front pocket of his blue fleece jacket. Witnesses reported that it took him an additional two minutes to extract a debit card from his worn brown leather wallet after the flustered BC Dining worker informed him that he couldn’t pay with a check.
“He obviously doesn’t go here,” said Rack. “He doesn’t even look like a professor, either. Do you think he just lives close by and comes here just to get a hot dog? That’s honestly kinda sad.”
Several other senior citizens were spotted in O’Neill Library reading actual, physical books in armchairs at press time. One report even claimed there was an old man walking through Gasson Quad alone, not even listening to music or anything.